Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
by McGorgeousReloaded
Summary: Christmas was their season but how could Derek have forgotten how much joy she had brought to his life during this magical season. Addison and Derek have to deal with their past. Fluff and Christmas cuteness. ADDEK all the way ;) Merry Christmas all year around!
1. Blue Christmas

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _Hi! So, I'm really very, very enthusiastic_ _about Christmas, even though it's way too warm and we don't have snow, but CHRISTMAS!  
_ _And I really miss Addek which is why I've written this little Christmas story. At first I wanted to make it into a one shot but then it just got too long_

ADDEK only

I own nothing. Story based on my favorite Christmas song of all times - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, chapter based only Elvis Presley's Blue Christmas. I own absolutely nothing except for unbreakable Christmas spirit ;)

* * *

 **Blue Christmas**

 _I'll have a blue Christmas without you  
_ _I'll be so blue just thinking about you  
_ _Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree  
_ _Won't be the same, dear, if you're not here with me_

Derek had tried everything in order to be happy again. He really had. Things with Meredith had gone downhill and he realized that she had just been a distraction, the exact opposite of his ex-wife and someone to finally get back at her with for all she had put him through. He had been hurt and angry. She was his wife, the one he had loved most of all and she had always been there for him, always waited up for him when he had had a long surgery and not once had he thought that she wouldn't be there anymore at some point of his life. In retrospect he knew that he should have seen it, He should have seen the mascara stains on her cheeks, her red eyes and the fact that she was barely eating anymore. He had pushed her away and taken her for granted, he knew that now and he had probably known that then. But when he had come home to her and his best friend in bed it had hurt him and he had sworn himself that things would be over now that he would no longer care about her. Moving to Seattle and dating an intern and then doing everything he could to break his ex-wife when she came out to reconcile, to get him back. It had seemed like she would deserve it then but when Derek thought about everything he had done, of the look she had in her eyes when she had figured out that he no longer loved her, it broke his heart and he had realized what he should have realized when she was still there; you can't just decide not to be in love with someone anymore.

Snow was covering the ground, sparkling in the sun. Christmas was just a month away and Derek Shepherd found himself bitter and alone. He had felt like his heart was about to break when it had snowed for the first time because for almost fifteen years of his life there always had been someone who had made him get out of bed in the middle of the night when she had seen snowflakes, or smelled the snow. He had always made fun of her for that and grown increasingly annoyed but now he would give everything to just see her eyes twinkle like they always had when the first snow had fallen. Derek had tried to bury himself in work and nothing had helped, his mind just kept wandering.

xxx

" _It doesn't smell like snow!" Twenty-two year old Derek chuckled at his girlfriend's enthusiasm. They had started dating almost half a year ago and he found everything about her absolutely enchanting, especially her cheerful mood when it came to everything that involved Christmas._

" _Yes! It totally does!" She nudged him playfully as they walked through the streets of New York City. Addison had a bright smile on her face, just as always when she was around Derek Shepherd._

 _A few hours later Derek was asleep when his girlfriend kept tugging on his arm so he would finally get up. "Derek, come on! Seriously, get up!" He opened his eyes to look at her and sat up in bed from where she pulled him towards the apartment door. If he hadn't just woken up there was no way he would have followed her into the freezing cold. Oh, who was he kidding? He probably would have followed her to the end of the world._

" _You see!" She grinned happily and pointed at the sky, thick snowflakes beginning to cover the ground. He tiredly wrapped his arms around her from behind and watched her eyes light up because of the many snowflakes._

xxx

He knew that she had moved back to New York City after only a year in California because she had sent him a check for his half of the brownstone they used to share and that had still been in both of their names. He had signed the papers but had never cashed the check. It was her dream house and always had been, he owed her at least that much.

Christmas had been their season, the season they spent snuggling up on the couch, with long walks through central park, or baking Christmas cookies. He remembered how she had loved to go shopping for all the Christmas presents. At first he had always come with her but in the last years of their marriage he had kept canceling on her and sent her off by herself, or had sent his former best friend with her. He cringed when he had actually canceled on her for Christmas Eve when they were supposed to celebrate with his family. He had forgotten what day it was or what they had planned, or maybe he just hadn't cared enough to remember. Derek remembered that she had been asleep on the sofa with an empty bottle of wine next to her and tearstains all over his face. Their favorite holiday had always been the time when he had taken a few days off work and spent all of his time with her but that year he had left her. When she had come to Seattle he had even told her that Christmas should be spent with loved ones and had implied that she wasn't someone he wanted to be with. He had brushed her off, hadn't gotten her a gift and had been an idiot to her. His best friends from New York had stopped talking to him because he had broken her, as Savannah had put it. He knew that Addison had never told them what had happened between them but he couldn't blame them for blaming him. Mainly because it was all his fault. He had broken her and pushed her away, over and over to the point where even his sisters had told him to go to hell.

xxx

" _Addie, could you focus on me instead of the snow for just one second?" Derek was nervous and it really didn't help that his girlfriend seemed to be very distracted by the many snowflakes around them, even though there already was snow on the ground._

" _I am! What's wrong?" She tilted her head to the side, utterly confused as to why he had been so on edge lately._

" _Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery," He started and saw her eyes widen because it was then that she knew what was coming. Derek swore to himself that he'd never forget how gorgeous she looked with that wide smile on her lips and that sparkle in her eyes. "I know you love snow and everything about Christmas and I love you so much for that, among other reasons, of course." He was so incredibly nervous that he forgot most of his prepared speech. "And I never want to imagine my life without you, so…" He took in a deep breath. "Will you marry me?"_

xxx

Of course now he was spending his life without her and it was even worse than he could have ever imagined it. He had grown quiet and only spoke when it was absolutely necessary. There had been a time Derek hadn't been able to wait to come home so he could tell her all about his day and hear about hers. It had been wonderful and he had never again done that. With Meredith it had been mostly quiet because they really didn't have much in common or to talk about, it just didn't seem worth it.

Derek Shepherd had realized one thing: He missed her. He missed the woman who had been his best friend, his soulmate, his confidant, for over a decade. And now that he had realized it, it was too late. She had left and probably moved on with her life, even though he did know that there hadn't been anyone in her life for a while now. He remembered the look his sister Kathleen had given him when he had tried to be all nonchalant and asked her about Addison and her love life. Kathleen had told him that he had no right to ask any of this but had answered him nonetheless because she knew he never would do anything about it. Everyone knew that, even Derek. Which was why he was so utterly surprised when he found himself in front of her door. He couldn't remember how he had gotten here, well, by plane, that much he knew. But what had prompted him to this decision?! He had missed her, more and more each day, as a matter of fact. With Christmas around the corner he couldn't help but miss her and how their lives had once been.

xxx

" _Oh my god! Derek! Is this really our house now?!" Addison grinned at her husband and wrapped her arms around him tightly. They had been looking at houses and apartments for ages and had already given up on finding something that measured up to their expectations until their relator had showed him a gorgeous brownstone with a wonderful view of the central park. Addison had fallen in love with the house immediately but he had told her that someone had outbid them so he would be able to surprise her._

" _Yeah, it really is." He told her and kissed her softly. If there were one thing Derek would have gladly given his life for it would be to make his wife this happy. When he looked at the townhouse he could already picture what their life would be like…_

xxx

But reality had had a cruel way of destroying his dreams in one swift motion. He didn't know what in the world possessed him when he rang the doorbell. Why had he come to New York, to their old house, to his ex-wife? His thoughts were quickly interrupted when the door was opened and Addison appeared in front of him. Her face had fallen completely when she saw who was at her door and she didn't know whether she should ask him inside or just close the door again, pretending that nothing had happened.

"Derek…" She whispered, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, or probably more like a deer that that was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, he had to think to himself.

"I don't know why I'm here." He confessed softly, his voice hoarse. Derek really didn't know why he was here but he knew that it felt so good to see her again, like he someone had breathed life into him again.

 _You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white_

 _But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas_

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 _Did you guys hate it or is anyone seriously as Christmas-y as I am? I hope you guys liked it (or even read it!). So, as usual, reviews are LOVE :-**_

 _MERRY PRE-CHRISTMAS TIME_


	2. My Only Wish

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _I'm sooo excited for Christmas, seriously! So I had to upload this chapter even though I'm not so sure a lot of people are reading this…  
Anyway, song My Only Wish (this Year) by Britney Spears_

 _Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, I really appreciated them :-* To quote Friends "You guys make me fly!"_

* * *

 **My Only Wish**

 _Last night I took a walk in the snow  
_ _Couples holding hands, places to go  
Seems like everyone but me is in love  
Santa can you hear me_

 _Christmas Eve, I just can't sleep  
Would I be wrong for taking a peek?  
'Cause I heard that you're comin' to town  
Santa can you hear me_

"Derek…" She whispered, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, or probably more like a deer that that was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, he had to think to himself.

"I don't know why I'm here." He confessed softly, his voice hoarse. Derek really didn't know why he was here but he knew that it felt so good to see her again, like he someone had breathed life into him again.

"I didn't ask." Her expression had softened but there were tears welling up in her eyes already. It was Christmas and she felt so completely alone and now he was here?

"I know." All he could do was stare at her and hope that she wouldn't slam the door in his face even though he knew that he couldn't have blamed her for that.

"Would you like to come in?" Why had she just said that?! She didn't want him to come in! She had moved, no run, away from Seattle to get away from him, away from all the unhappiness that that godforsaken place had seemed to bring with it. But before she could change her mind he had already walked inside and their arms had brushed briefly. It had sent a jolt of electricity through her body and she blamed Christmas and the snow and the photo albums she had gone through the last few days. Who was she kidding? The last months had been spent sulking over the one person she loved most of all.

Derek looked around the house that didn't seem to have changed at all. The walls had a different color, the curtains had changed and the picture frames that had used to hold photos of the two of them had disappeared. But this still felt like home. Especially the big Christmas tree that she had still decorated with the ornaments he had gotten from his grandmother once upon a time.

 _xxx_

" _Derek, we have to get a tree soon." Addison approached her husband, who was sitting at his desk and typing at some article for some prestigious medical journal._

" _Can't you just take Mark?" He replied without even looking up at her. She never seemed to understand that he sometimes just had to work and didn't have time for things like that; there were more important things to attend to._

" _But I want to go with you." She whispered and saw his shoulders tense. Addison knew that he was annoyed by now and was glad that he hadn't looked up at her or else he would have seen the tears in her eyes. Derek had once been able to sense these things, to read her like she was an open book but not anymore._

 _xxx_

"I'm sorry, Addie." Derek turned around to look at her and saw the confused look she was giving him. He had never sincerely apologized to her, had never taken any of the blame for their failed marriage. "For everything I did to you." He decided to clarify.

"Thank you." She really had no idea where to go from there but she was starting to get a little upset with him because she could already feel the thick walls she had put up to keep her heart from getting broken again, crumble more and more. Maybe Christmas was partially to blame, maybe even her loneliness but it most definitely was Derek! He was the reason she was lonely and sad, he was the reason that she had to take sleeping pills to even get a few hours of sleep every night. Hell, he was the reason her hair had turned grey and her wrinkles had gotten deeper. It was his entire fault, all of it. "Derek, what are you doing here?" Her voice had changed and he realized it and flinched at her tone. Derek couldn't blame her for being angry with him, for wanting to push him away.

"I miss you… I miss your excitement for Christmas, I miss how your eyes light up when the snow falls, I miss coming home to you… I know I gave all of that away," He said quickly when he sensed that she was about to say something not so pleasant. "And I'm not asking for anything, I just want Christmas like it was for just a bit." He saw the change in her eyes; she no longer looked angry but hurt and thoughtful. Addison was thinking about everything he had just told her, everything she had wanted to hear for so long, and everything she felt as well.

"You can't stay here, Derek." She had to be strong; she had to get him out of her house and out of her head once and for all.

"I'm not asking you to stay here, this is your house. I'm just asking you for a little time over the holidays." His voice was soft and gentle and made her want to jump into his arms and forget all the terrible things they had done to each other, but she couldn't. Too much had happened and she had finally been able to stop crying all the time. Christmas was different, she was allowed to cry and reminisce then.

"You want some hot chocolate?" She looked up at him again and couldn't help the tingle in her stomach because of the way he looked at her. It was the way he had used to look at her, full of love and adoration.

 _xxx  
_

" _Hello, beautiful." She smiled when she felt his arms wrap around her from behind as she stood at one of the big panorama windows at Mount Sinai Hospital and watched the snowflakes fall over her favorite city. Everything seemed to slow down a little when it was snowing, completely peaceful and enchanting._

" _Hey." Addison turned her head to look at her husband. They had started their internship here together and now they were residents. "It's so beautiful out there." She whispered and returned her gaze to the snowflakes outside._

" _Almost as beautiful as you." He placed a kiss on her cheek and pulled away a little to hand her a paper cup. "Figured you might like some hot chocolate."_

" _Mhh, I remember why I keep you around." She grinned and took the cup from him. "Juju, snow and you, what could be better?"_

 _xxx_

The memories of their happier times kept rushing back to her and tears welled up in her eyes when she stared into her cup and avoided his eyes completely. Why did she always have to think of the times when they were so unbelievably happy and why did it still hurt her so much?

"Are you alright?" Derek's voice rang through her musings and she looked up at him when his hand had covered hers ever so softly. His incredible, blue eyes. They had always seemed to deep, seemed to hold so much love for her and had always allowed her to read his thoughts. All Addison could do was nod her head, she couldn't deny how good it felt to have him with her and to have him this close. He was her Derek, the Derek she had always wished for on Christmas in the last, lonely years of their marriage. But then she remembered, he wasn't her Derek anymore. He was her ex-husband, the one who had caused her world to break down, the one who had left her repeatedly and the one who managed to get her hopes up again and again and then just abandon her again.

 _xxx_

" _Mrs. Shepherd?" Addison looked up at Paul, her favorite waiter at her favorite restaurant. He seemed so familiar because she spent more evenings with him than with her husband. "Someone from the hospital just called to let you know that your husband won't be able to make it tonight." His voice was soft and compassionate because he had seen the disappointment on her face many times before when he'd had to tell her that her husband was held up at the hospital once again._

" _Thank you, Paul." Her voice was barely above a whisper when she managed to give the young waiter a slight smile. It was their anniversary and she had been writing it in all his calendars for months now so maybe he just wouldn't forget about her this time. But no such luck. Addison stood up, dressed in a dark blue dress that she had bought for tonight. If she had been less heartbroken she would have died of embarrassment at the pitiful looks the staff gave her. She didn't care, she couldn't. All she had ever really cared about was Derek and he wasn't there, just like he hadn't been there for the past year. He was everything to her. Her best friend, her family and it felt like her entire existence depended on Derek Shepherd, the same Derek Shepherd, who couldn't even find one minute to call her himself on their anniversary._

 _xxx_

Addison pulled her hand back from him and got up from her chair. "Maybe you should leave." She whispered and avoided to look at him. If he would have protested now, or hugged her, or anything, she would have given in; she knew that and so did he. But Derek only nodded and made his way to the door. "I'm so sorry, Addie." He told her when he was standing in the doorframe and saw her nod in reply. Derek knew that she was crying and it broke his heart that he couldn't hug her and make all of her pain just go away. He couldn't because he was the cause of that pain.

"I just need time." Her voice sounded tired and worn out when she turned around slowly to look at him. Neither of them knew what she needed time for, if this meant that she was admitting that she missed him too. But Derek knew better than to take advantage of her fragile state and told her that he was sorry again and that he would call her some time before he made his way towards the door.

When he was out of the door she let the tears fall freely and wanted nothing more than for him to knock again and just wrap his arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be fine again.

" _I miss him."_ Was all Savannah heard when she picked up the phone but she knew immediately who her best friend was referring to. She had known that this phone call would be inevitable when Nancy had told her that Derek and Meredith had split up over a year ago.

"Oh, Addie…" She whispered and felt her heart break for Addison. She knew that Addison would never stop loving Derek, that he would always be the one for her and maybe he even was the perfect match for her but that didn't change how much pain he had caused her.

" _With everything that's happened, you'd think that I would have just closed the door and told him to go to hell but I just miss him… I miss us."_

"Derek is here?" Savannah sat up and couldn't help but sigh. Maybe he had finally figured out that Addison still was the love of his life but why could he just not have forgotten about that in the first place?

" _He said that he misses me and that he misses Christmas with me. He was sincere and he was just… Derek."_ She sighed. The tears had finally stopped about an hour ago and now she could at least try to think clearly but whenever she did memories of their time together kept rushing back to her.

Savannah honestly didn't know how to respond to that because she knew that Addison missed him too and that she had been missing him long before she had finally been able to admit it to herself. "What does he want?"

" _Christmas."_ Was Addison's simple reply and she wasn't sure what exactly he had meant when he had told her that he just wanted Christmas like it was once upon a time.

 _Santa can you hear me?  
I have been so good this year  
And all I want is one thing  
Tell me my true love is here  
He's all I want, just for me  
Underneath my Christmas tree  
I'll be waiting here  
Santa that's my only wish this year_

* * *

 _Did you like it? I promise it won't be that depressing all the time! But they really have to work on some things before the whole happily ever after and what's better for happily ever after than Christmas?  
_ _Or do you just want them to spend Christmas together and then go their separate ways?_

 **REVIEWS ARE LOVE :-** 'Tis the season, after all ;)**


	3. Merry Christmas, Darling

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _Hi! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great start into the new year!  
Sadly we still didn't have much snow here so that pretty much eliminated my Christmas mood, but Addek is here to bring it back!_

 _And OMG Friends reunion without Chandler?! Broke my heart!_

 _Anywhoooo, enjoy :)_

 _Song "Merry Christmas, Darling" by The Carpenters_

* * *

 **Merry Christmas, Darling**

 _Merry Christmas, darling_  
 _We're apart, that's true_  
 _But I can dream_  
 _And in my dreams_  
 _I'm Christmasing with you_

" _Ho! Ho! Ho!" She giggled at the way he tried to lower his voice when he opened the door to her apartment, brushing the snow off his coat before hanging it up and making his way over to her. "Are you ready to go?" Derek leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips.  
"Mhmm…" She only mumbled against his lips before she pulled him on top of her, causing her body to fall back onto the couch. Addison knew that he was grinning against his lips before he ran his freezing hands underneath her sweater and made her jump. Derek laughed out loud at the reaction he got from her. _

" _Come here, I'll get you warmed up." He told her with a smirk on his lips right before he covered her body with his again, hips lips running along her pulse point and elicited a moan from her…_

Addison jumped up from the sofa when she heard her doorbell. She rubbed her eyes and shook her head at the dream she had just had before she made her way over to the front door. Who would come by at nine in the evening?

Her question was answered when she opened the door to reveal Derek again.

"I'm really sorry that I woke you up…" He took in her slightly tangled hair and her glasses, trying to keep his smile to himself. "But Kathleen and Nancy aren't home and…" He really didn't need to finish his sentence because she knew what he was trying to tell her.

"That's why you should call before you barge in on people." She also knew that most of the hotels were probably booked as well and judging by the look on his face he had tried that before he had come back to her house.

"Come in, I don't want you to freeze…" She stepped back to let him in but saw him hesitate.

"Are you sure, Addie?"

"That I don't want you to freeze? Yeah, I was wondering about that myself, but I took an oath, you know…" She joked, a soft smile on her face when she looked into his kind eyes.

"Thank you." Derek walked into the house again, a suitcase in his hand and she couldn't help but wonder how long he was planning on staying in the city.

"I'll get the guestroom ready."  
"No, I can do that, really." He took her wrist in his hand to stop her and couldn't help the urge to pull her closer to him.

"You're tired, just sit down." She tried her best to stomp out the tingling sensation that was running through her entire body because of his touch.

When Addison came back downstairs she was pleasantly surprised to see that Derek had made them hot chocolate and had started a fire in the fireplace she hadn't used in years.

"Hmm, you're a very attentive guest." She sat down opposite of him and mustered her ex husband. She knew that he and his intern girlfriend had broken up a while ago, when she was still in LA, as a matter of fact.

"Why did you move back to New York?" His eyes met hers and he couldn't help but wonder when he had stopped to notice just how beautiful she really was. Even with the glasses she had hated so much at first, she was just radiant.

"I missed it… The seasons, the snow…" She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly and gave him a slight grin. The snow really had been quite a factor in her decision to move back to her favorite city, back into her favorite house.

"Of course. You and your snow." He laughed softly and shook his head. "Why did you think that you could move to California and not get sick of the sunshine all the time?" He was rather amused now and couldn't believe how long it had been since they'd had a pleasant conversation.

"Sometimes I actually do wonder what I had been thinking… Nothing, probably." She knew that that wasn't true. She had wanted to get far away from the happy times snow reminded her of and had moved to California so she wouldn't be reminded again. The first time it had snowed in New York after she had moved back, she had started to cry and debated whether she should call him and tell him how magical the city looked when it was snowing.

 _xxx_

" _I need to leave this place, Richard." She whispered when her former mentor had sat down on the bench next to her. Her marriage had fallen apart for good and it was clear to her that there was no going back to the way they were or had been. Seattle had been hell. She had been called names, been the subject of gossip, watched her husband hit his former best friend because he had slept with her back in New York and then watched her husband cheat on her during a prom. It all seemed very much like high school and not at all like the life she had been planning on having as an adult. The dirty looks from interns, the attempts at relationships after Derek, it all had been piling up and was suffocating her. She would probably kill herself if she wouldn't leave this horrible place soon._

 _Richard only nodded his head. He knew that there was nothing he could do to convince her to stay and he knew in his heart that it would destroy her if she did. So he watched her walk away, watched her in an attempt to patch her life up again. Richard remembered the Addison he had met during her internship, the same Addison who had always been so vibrant and full of life. A lot had changed and he couldn't have felt worse about even offering a job to Derek in the first place._

 _xxx_

Addison didn't know how they had ended up here. They had been talking for about two hours, had finished their hot chocolates and he had mocked her for immediately jumping up when he had mentioned that it was supposed to be snowing that night. But now she was sitting right next to him instead of opposite of him, her head resting on his shoulder while his arm was around her waist. She couldn't bring herself to pull away from him because she felt more relaxed that she had in years. Her eyes slowly closed when sleep consumed her body. He made her feel safe and secure, like he was going to protect her from everything.

Derek watched her fall asleep in his arms and smiled softly. He hated himself for ever giving up on this and he knew that there was a chance that she would freak out and throw him out in the morning and again, he probably wouldn't have blamed her after everything he had done to her. She had stood by him through the years, had never complained and had always made him feel like he was the most important thing in her life. And he had treated her terribly in return. Maybe he could make up for that and was more than willing to do so. Not as someone she would ever get involved with again, but just as her friend. If she never would be able to forgive him, he would understand but he had to try to make everything up to her, at least a little.

The next morning Derek awoke on the sofa by himself and realized that it really hadn't been the best idea to sleep down here because his back hurt, not that he would have minded much if she was still there with him, but she wasn't. Addison had probably woken up and gone to bed so the next morning wouldn't be even more uncomfortable.

Upstairs Addison stared into the mirror and straight at her reflection. She knew that she was setting herself up for heartbreak again, that she had already let him in and that she was just going to get hurt again. _But maybe he won't hurt me this time, maybe this time he's serious… No, don't be an idiot, he only wants a nice Christmas and will go back to Seattle and leave you in tears again._ She shook her head and sighed before she made her way down the stairs.

"Good morning." Derek smiled at, now standing in the kitchen to prepare breakfast. "You could really get a new sofa, you know that?" There was a joking tone to his voice and even with her best efforts not to, it made her smile. He made her smile.

"I see setting up the guest bedroom was a waste of time, hmm?" She couldn't help but to enjoy him standing there and cooking breakfast. It all just seemed so hauntingly familiar that it was so easy to fall back into how everything had once been.

"I did make you blueberry pancakes to make up for that." And then Derek gave her that smile that had always made her weak in the knees.

 _xxx_

" _Mhh, you're such a good boyfriend with the cooking and all…" Addison had pulled her hair back into a messy bun and put her robe over her pajamas. She had been going out with the most wonderful guy for over three months now and would never get tired of him making her breakfast that he normally even brought to bed._

" _Yep, you really should be very grateful for me." Derek turned around and grinned at her, making her smile even more._

" _I am, very much so." She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head in between his shoulder blades. "What are you making?"_

" _Like I'd forget your preference for blueberry pancakes…"_

 _xxx_

"You remembered." She simply stated and looked up at him. _God, there was a reason you_ _moved as far away from him as you could! It certainly wasn't the pancakes, but he will just break your heart again!_ "Why aren't you with Meredith for the holidays?" She questioned quietly and saw the expression on his face change. Derek had been too caught up in how great it felt to have his Addie back in his life that he had forgotten that she really wasn't his anymore. "Come on, someone had to bring her up…"

"We have been broken up for a very long time." He answered after he had cleared his throat and held her gaze. There was no pain in his voice over the breakup. _Stop being stupid, you just don't want to hear it!_ She could have kicked herself for getting attached again.

"Longer than us?" She hadn't meant to sound this cruel but she had seen him flinch slightly and already felt bad because she really was glad to have him here. But she shouldn't be.

"No…" Derek looked hurt and she was the cause of that. It didn't feel good to see him like this, she had once thought that it would feel good to hurt him, that she would finally feel better then but she hadn't, she had felt even worse because it was all her fault. He had turned back towards the pancakes he was still making before he spoke again. "But I miss you." His voice was low and he wasn't even sure that she had heard it but she had and she ran her fingers through her long hair again.

"Why couldn't you have missed me when we were both still here? Or at least when I had come to Seattle…" The pain in her voice was enough for him to turn around again. He knew that this mess was his fault that he had probably hurt her too much for her to ever be able to trust him again but he had missed her so much.

"I'm so sorry I did this to you, Addie." And he really was. He had practically pushed her to sleep with his best friend but when he had found both of them in bed he felt broken and hurt.

"Well, me sleeping with your best friend didn't exactly make you miss me…" It was like she had read his thoughts and again did he flinch, it was something he had been trying to forget.

 _xxx_

 _Derek had seen an empty bottle of wine, he had seen some discarded clothes that belonged to his wife but he had stopped dead in his tracks when he saw one of Mark's t-shirts on the floor as well. He felt like he was about to throw up, or faint, or both at the same time. Why he had walked upstairs, he never would know but he did and there she was, his wife of eleven years underneath his best friend. He saw the panic on her face, the pain in her eyes but he was too sickened to care. Pushing her away was one thing but her sleeping with his best friend was another. He ignored her desperate pleas, he ignored the tears and he just left._

 _She came running after him and he threw both of them out but it didn't make him feel any better. Whenever he closed his eyes all he could see his naked wife in bed with his best friend. Derek had left, he had left a long time ago, he had been absent and distant and he had cancelled on her numerous times. But this time he left the house; left the city and left his wife. He never wanted to see her again. His heart was broken and as much as he hated to admit it, he still loved her so much that it had destroyed him to see her like this – breathing heavily, the sight he had once enjoyed so much, but not with him, with Mark._

 _xxx_

"Nope, it didn't…" He sighed and ran a palm over his face and she knew he was trying to fight the tears.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was barely above a whisper. She had never regretted anything more than falling into bed with his best friend. But, to be completely honest, she had been punished more than enough for feeling so vulnerable that it had seemed like a good idea, or at least like a way to ease the pain. It hadn't been. It had been uncomfortable, it had been awkward and it had been heartbreaking. If Derek had looked more closely he would have seen that she was crying and not exactly enjoying herself. She couldn't blame him for storming out, for getting angry but he had left and it had destroyed her.

"Yeah, I never should have acted the way I did." Wow, now this was a breakthrough they hadn't even gotten to in therapy and Addison could only look up at him in utter shock. Not once had he ever told her that and really accepted part of the blame for their failed marriage.

"We both really messed this up, haven't we?" Their eyes met, both searching the other's soul for the feelings they had both been trying so desperately to get rid off.

 _Merry Christmas, darling_  
 _We're apart, that's true_  
 _But I can dream_  
 _And in my dreams_  
 _I'm Christmasing with you_

* * *

 _Alright, what did you think? I'm in serious need of some feedback, please :) Reviews are LOVE :-*_


	4. Do They Know It's Christmas?

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _Okay, I know Christmas is over and we are nearing the summer but a little Addek Christmas spirit in the spring can't hurt! I was a little disappointed that only one person reviewed, but THANK YOU and this chapter is for you ;)_

 _Song "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid_

* * *

 **Do They Know It's Christmas?**

 _It's Christmas time, and there's no need to be afraid_  
 _At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade_  
 _And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy_  
 _Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time_

 _"Dereeeeekkkk! Would you just hurry up for once in your life?" Addison looked over at Derek, who was still very busy with his coat. She on the other hand was completely dressed in a dark brown winter coat and her favorite mulberry colored scarf he had given her for her birthday._

" _Addie, the snow will still be there in ten minutes." He told her calmly and put his shoes on. Derek ignored the groan she gave him and the dramatic way she let herself fall back on the sofa. He had just gotten home from a double shift at the hospital and she had immediately dragged him up from the sofa again so he would FINALLY take a walk in the snow with her. "Come on, drama queen." He yawned and extended her hand to her. The way her eyes lit up and how she jumped up to wrap her arms around him was more than enough to make up for the lack of sleep._

" _I love you." She whispered when they walked out of the door of their brownstone._

" _More than snow?" Derek raised his eyebrows at her and had that grin on his face that she loved so much. He hadn't thought that he would ever find someone who made him this happy._

" _More than snow." She leaned in to kiss him, the snowflakes falling around them. This was perfection, she thought to herself._

 _xxx_

"Let's go." Derek was standing by the door and had his winter coat on.

Addison looked up from her book and looked more than just a little confused. What did he mean by 'let's go'?! "Where?"

"For a walk in the snow." He stated simply and watched as a smile appeared on her face because she quickly schooled her features. He didn't need to know how happy this still made her.

"If you want to…" She shrugged her shoulders and slowly got up from the sofa.

Fifteen minutes later they were in the park and she couldn't hide her smile anymore because it had started snowing again just when they had stepped outside and everything looked just so magical. She had forgotten how snow plus Derek would always equal undeniable happiness, no matter what had happened between them.

"I see you're still hopelessly in love with snow." He said after a few minutes of comfortable silence as he brushed some of her hair out of her face.

"Yeah, hopeless love might be my tragic flaw, wouldn't you agree?" _Oh no, have I really just said that out loud?!_ Addison looked up at Derek, her eyes widened in shock that she had honestly just pretty much admitted that she still was hopelessly in love with him. _No, he wouldn't get that. He won't get what I mean…_ But the look on his face told her differently.

His eyes were on hers and he was standing so close to her that she could swear he could hear her heart beating. "I wouldn't call it a flaw." He stated softly and ran one of his hands along her arm. He didn't dare to step closer because he knew she probably wouldn't want him to.

Addison attempted to give him a smile. They were really screwed up, both of them separately and especially together. They continued to walk along their favorite path in the park, their hands intertwined.

"How did we end up here?" She whispered and looked over at Derek who had been sneaking glances at her.

"I don't know. But I wish I could go back to how things were." His voice sounded sad and sincere that it made her wonder where all of this suddenly came from.

"Me too."

 _xxx_

" _Honey, we really should go home." Derek tried to pull his wife from the dance floor, an empty champagne glass in her hand. But, just as always, she refused and just pulled him towards her so she could dance with him. He had to laugh at this. It was already three in the morning and he knew she would sleep until noon and then groan and blame him for letting her drink so much._

" _But I reallyyyy like this song!" She had been like this ever since he had met her. Normally she was content with going home with him after dinner but whenever they went to a party or she just got a little too much wine or champagne there was no getting her back home. Just that tonight they were at a charity event at Mount Sinai, where they also worked and he could already tell that none of his male colleagues understood why he hadn't wanted her to drink because 'she's just really fun' then._

" _Honey…" He tried again but surrendered quickly when she covered his lips with hers. How could he have forgotten that alcohol did THIS to her…_

 _xxx_

"You know, it's really just confusing to have you here." Addison walked through her front door and looked at Derek who was reading by the fireplace. She had spent the evening with Savannah and only came to the conclusion that it was messing with her head to have him there. Him and his smile that always made her so weak in the knees.

"Well, hello to you too." He looked up from his book and noticed the look that she gave him and knew that she had been drinking. He couldn't blame her; he knew that his presence overwhelmed her.

"No, you're being all nice and all sweet and it's just really not nice." She had walked towards him, her hand on her hips and her left eyebrow raised.

"It's not?" He really was rather amused right now and remembered how much he had always enjoyed tipsy Addison.

"No! Because it's messing with my head." She sat down on the sofa next to him and sighed. "In Seattle you were horrible, at least that made it easier not to miss you. But now you're here and take me for walks in the snow and make me pancakes…"

Derek watched her, the way her hair had fallen into her face and her cheeks were just a little more flushed than usual. "And now I miss you." With this she leaned in, her eyes closing and her lips almost on his. It was what he wanted, obviously, but he knew she would hate him for taking advantage of her in the morning. And he didn't want her to do anything she would regret.

"Addie, come on." He pulled back before she could kiss him, his hands resting on her shoulders so she couldn't lean in again. "You don't want this."

"Since when do you care about what I want?" Had he just pulled back when she had tried to kiss him? He had never, ever done that. _Oh, no, wait, he had… In Seattle…_

"I don't want you to do anything you regret." His voice was kind and considerate. When did he become so grown up?

"I've never regretted _that_." She could tell that he was trying to suppress a grin at that because he knew she wasn't _just_ talking about kissing him. "Plus it's been really long since I've had a good l—"

And then he quickly interrupted her, "Addie, you really should go to bed." Derek knew that she would be really uncomfortable if she remembered telling him this in the morning. "Alone." He added when he saw the look in her eyes that always meant trouble.

"Don't _Addie_ me all the time. It's not fair that you're being this grown up and considerate. Where did the Derek go who came home from the hospital after a really lousy day and screwed me on this sofa to get rid of his anger and frustration?" She got up from the sofa because maybe he was right and should just go to sleep, he made it clear he wasn't coming with her anyway.

"Do you really miss that?" He felt horrible about how he had acted then, like he didn't care about her and she was just a way to get rid off pent up frustration, no matter if she enjoyed it, or not.

"Yeah… Because at least you were still here with me." Her voice sounded so broken and before he could reply she was already walking towards the stairs.

"I'm here now, Addie…" Derek said quietly, probably more to himself because even if she understood him, she probably wouldn't remember in the morning.

The next morning she was still in bed and stared up at her ceiling. She had a headache and was sure that it didn't come from the wine, but rather from her memories of the things she had said to Derek. A part of her was still a little hurt that he had rejected her because, seriously, he really shouldn't, but in the end she knew that she had to thank him for being so mature about this. But she had been really the opposite of grown up; she had tried to kiss him after all! _And you told him that you haven't had good sex in forever, now that's really embarrassing._ Addison groaned and pulled her pillow over her head. How would she ever be able to look him in the eye again?

There was a knock on her door and, without waiting for a reply, the subject of her musings and many dreams last night walked into her bedroom. She could hear him laugh because her face was still covered with a pillow. "Good morning, I really hope you're still breathing…" Mr. Charming pulled the pillow away from her face and she was glad she had already washed her face and brushed her hair.

"I'm so sorry about last night." Addison sat up in bed slowly and closed her eyes when her head hurt even more. Great, this was great.

"Here, for your headache." He handed her a bottle of pills when she opened her eyes to look at him. "Now eat something." She noticed the tray he had set down on the nightstand next to her and gave him a soft smile. _Look at how good he looks and you're a complete mess, he'll probably be on the next flight back to Seattle after this…_

"Thank you, Derek… And thank you for last night." She blushed when she even thought about what she had said to him and that she had tried to kiss him. And that she had told him that she had even preferred the way he was when he was all distant than because he was still with her.

"Just eat something." He kissed the top of her head and walked towards the door. "I do expect you to go to the Rockefeller Center with me as a thank you though." And with this he left her to her pancakes and alone with her confusion.

" _Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid last night."_ She heard Savannah's voice on the other end of the line when she picked up the phone after finishing her waffles.

"No, I didn't… At least he kept me from that…" She mumbled the last part and could have kicked herself for the way she had acted.

" _What do you mean with he kept you from doing something stupid?"_ Of course she wouldn't let this go.

"I might have tried to kiss him and told him that I haven't had any decent sex in a really long time, but thankfully he stopped me before I could finish that sentence and before I could actually kiss him… Even though that really was too bad." She sighed and slowly got out of the bed. Thank goodness that her headache was gone and she wasn't dizzy anymore.

" _You know that kissing and sleeping with your ex husband might not be the best idea, right?"_

"I don't know… Because it's really never been a _bad_ idea…"

" _Oh, no, no, no! Don't do this again! Have you even asked him how long he will be staying?"_

Addison sighed, she knew she really had to ask him at some point but she didn't even know what she wanted him to answer. Did she want him to stay? _Of course you do, don't lie to yourself._ "No, but I will later."

" _Just don't sleep with him, you're only setting yourself up for heartbreak…"_

"I know, I know…"

 _Feed the world, let them know it's Christmas time  
_ _And feed the world  
_ _let them know it's Christmas time  
_ _And feed the world  
_ _let them know it's Christmas time  
_ _And feed the world  
_ _let them know it's Christmas time..._

* * *

 _Okay, so we and Addison already know that she is setting herself up for heartbreak and seriously, if not people review this time I'll update this story around Christmas in a year, it'll be like my new Christmas tradition._


	5. Home For the Holidays

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _I'm really glad that there still are Addek and Christmas fans out there :D I was so happy about your reviews, seriously, so please review again :)_

 _Okay, so that being said I know that they really should talk about the past but since I haven't been married, have therefore never cheated on my husband who then left for Seattle and met the stick figure with no soul I have absolutely no idea what they should really talk about! So if one of you has some expertise in that area, please let me know! :D_

 _Nothing belongs to me, song (There's no place like) home for the holidays by Perry Como_

* * *

 **(There's No Place Like) Home For the Holidays**

 _Oh, theres no place like home for the holidays_  
 _Cause no matter how far away you roam_  
 _When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze_  
 _For the holidays, you cant beat home, sweet home_

" _This might just be the greatest spot in the city, apart from your roof, of course." She smiled and looked up at the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. Christmas was the greatest season of all and this year was the first year she got to share it with Derek and he just made it all that much better._

" _You've said that about the Empire State Building and the park." He chuckled and wrapped an arm around her to pull her closer to him. Her enthusiasm about this season had caused him to fall in love with her even more. When she was around everything seemed magical, even the grey snow slush on the streets._

" _I knowww but it's still beautiful." Addison rested her chin on his shoulder and couldn't help the happy smile on her face when he pulled her a little closer._

 _xxx_

That day over twenty years ago they had asked someone to take their photo in front of the tree and it had always been Addison's favorite photograph of the two of them and she still kept it in the same picture frame but now had it hidden in the drawer of her nightstand. Little did she know that Derek really was trying his best to be a good house guest that he wanted to get the tray he had brought her breakfast on and that was still on her nightstand. How he had noticed the familiar picture frame in the drawer, he had no idea, but there it was. Her favorite photograph of them and he couldn't help the smile on his face when he looked at it. Both of them were still so young and looked at each other happily in front of the tall Christmas tree. He remembered her giggle and how gorgeous she always looked when she got excited about Christmas, or the snow, or a decorated tree, or about him spending time with her. His heart sank a little when he thought of how sad she had looked when he had cancelled on her later in their marriage. Derek was determined to get her back to her overwhelmingly happy self that made everyone else look like the Grinch. She deserved to be happy again, with or without him.

"You know, sometimes I really think that you're even more excited about Christmas than I am but you're just better at hiding it." Addison craned her neck to look over at him and saw him roll his eyes. She had watched him gaze at the tree with a smile on his face just like he had always done.

"I don't think Santa is as excited about Christmas as you are." Derek rested his hand on the small of her back and gently pulled her towards him when a group of people was trying to walk past them. Of course he knew that this wasn't the reason he had pulled her closer, but it had seemed like a decent excuse. Addison couldn't have replied even if she had wanted to because she was far too distracted because of how amazing if felt to have him so close. She had butterflies in her stomach again and felt like she had when they had first started dating and he hadn't even dared to kiss her, afraid of her reaction.

"I've missed you so much, Addie." He whispered into her hair and closed his eyes when she wrapped her arms around him in a tender hug. Derek had missed everything about her – her smile, her hair, her smell, the sound of her voice and especially being able to just pull her close and forget about everything around them.

When they had gotten back to the house Derek had started a fire and Addison had made them some hot chocolate. It all just seemed so hauntingly familiar that both of them had difficulties not to fall into old habits too quickly. But then she had sat down next to him on the sofa and without even second-guessing his decision he had wrapped his arms around her so she could lie back against his chest. There was a comfortable silence between them and her eyes had closed. She knew that she shouldn't get attached again but her heart seemed to have different plans for her.

"When you asked me why I came here and I told you that I didn't know that really wasn't true." Derek said after a few minutes but she remained still, not ready to give up the feeling of having him so close just yet. "I didn't come because I missed Christmas so much, I came because I missed you so much and when the first snow fell in Seattle it was too much to bear. All I wanted was to see the look on your face, the way your eyes always light up when it snows. I've missed how annoyed you get when I bring fish into the house," she had to chuckle softly at that, "I've really missed the way you are when you're tipsy and most of all…" Derek took in a deep breath and watched her, "I've missed _you_." She turned around in his arms and just stared into his eyes, trying to find something that would give away how this speech was going to end. "I've tried to fight it and I know I'm probably the last person you want around or the last person who deserves you, but I just couldn't help myself." He stroked some red strands away that had fallen into her face. "I've never been able to help myself when I am around you…"

A smile had etched across her features at everything he had just told her but she knew that he had to leave again and then she would be back to the heartbroken mess he had left behind just a little too often. "But you're not staying…" She whispered and looked at him.

"I'm not staying." He confirmed and she felt her heart break. _There you have it, you had to get attached again, didn't you?!_ Addison thought to herself and hoped he wouldn't see the tears that had welled up in her eyes once again. "Addie, I'm not staying here because this is your house…" He saw her frown in utter confusion before he continued, "I quit my job in Seattle and was thinking about coming back to Mount Sinai. But I haven't accepted the offer because if you don't want me here or anywhere close to you, I'll be on the first flight out again, all you have to do is say—" And then she cut him off by simply kissing him. The first time their lips touched again Addison knew that he was what had been missing all along. He was completely taken aback but when she leaned in again and ran her teeth along his bottom lip his arms wrapped around her waist and he kissed her back ever so softly almost as if he was afraid that it all was just his imagination playing a trick on him. When he opened his mouth to grant her tongue entrance she moaned lowly against his lips and suddenly he needed her even closer. Derek sat up slightly and pushed her back on the sofa, covering her body with his and then he felt her grin against his lips. Some things really never changed. His fingers had found their way into her hair and she felt herself melt into his embrace. Their kiss was slow and unbelievably tender that it was just so much better than either of them could have ever imagined. Addison's knees rested against his waist while she ran her hands over his upper arms and along his chest. She sighed contently at how little _her_ Derek seemed to have changed. Every inch felt just like she remembered and she couldn't wrap her head around how incredible it felt to kiss him again.

After a few minutes Derek pulled back a little, his lips still only inches from hers. "So does this mean that you miss me too?" There was a big smile on his face, the kind of smile that had always managed to get his eyes to light up.

"Well… Kathleen called me two days ago, because I was feeding Barney while she was gone, to inform me that she would be coming home early and that she had already told you that… So if I didn't enjoy your company, I'd have kicked you out then." Addison chuckled at the look on his face; just like that time she had caught him eating all the Halloween candy she had bought for the kids. "But to answer your question: I've missed you terribly and I've enjoyed the last five days with you more than the last two years by myself…" She saw the grin on his face before she continued a little more seriously, "but where do we go from here?"

"Well…" He looked down at how she was still lying on her back underneath him and smirked before he sat up and she followed suit. They really should talk. "Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery if you have nothing better to do, I'd really like to date you."

"I'd love to." She couldn't help the way her heart was racing or how dizzy she felt. This kind of happiness hadn't consumed her in a long time. "But it's _Dr._ Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery." She corrected with a grin on her face. Yep, this definitely was exactly what he had missed so much.

"I remember a certain enchanting redhead once telling me that she didn't care about the title, the prestige, or the money as long as she could help people."

"You thought I was enchanting?" A bright smile had spread across her beautiful features and Derek couldn't remember the last time he had been responsible for a happy expression like that.

"I still think you are enchanting." His smile matched his when he leaned in to kiss her softly again.

The next morning Addison awoke and could barely wait to get up and see him. They had spent the night talking and kissing by the fire and she couldn't remember the last time she had been this happy. She knew that it had been with Derek and that it probably had been in this house but a long time ago.

"Hey, Savvy." She had decided to call her best friend and inform her of the latest happenings because it was still early and she really had to talk to Savannah about all of this.

" _Addison Montgomery, please tell me you didn't sleep with him…"_ Addison could hear Savvy sigh on the other end of the line.

"Noooo! Not yet, at least… But I think we might be dating now…"

" _What?"_ Savannah laughed. _"You and your ex husband are dating? How does that even happen, Addie?"_

"Shut up…"

" _No, seriously now. What happened? I mean, I'm actually glad that he finally realized that he was an idiot and that you guys apparently are trying to make this work but… Have you even talked? I mean about the Mark thing and Meredith and all that?"_

"Not really…" Addison knew that her best friend had a point. "We've talked in therapy back in Seattle but we basically only yelled at each other and had to pay money for that…"

" _Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier if you'll be able to make this work again, not because I think the way he acted was okay, but because I miss the way you were when he was still around…"_

"Yeah, I miss that too." She sighed and slowly got out of bed. Just because Derek had missed her it didn't mean that the past wouldn't just come back to haunt them once again.

"Good morning." Derek greeted when she came downstairs. He was already fully dressed but his hair was still wet from the shower he had probably taken.

"Hi." She couldn't help the smile on her face when she looked at him. Her heart melted at the look on his face and everything Savvy had said was forgotten, they still had plenty of time to talk. Addison walked over to where he was standing and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. "Hmm, good morning indeed." She grinned against his lips and pulled back a little to try some of his pancakes that she loved so much.

"So, I was thinking… After you have _devoured_ all this food…" He chuckled at the look she gave him, her mouth too full to reply though. "I still need to buy my Christmas presents and I know that you don't have to work till after Christmas, so maybe you would be so very kind as to accompany me to Bloomingdales and Macy's and just everywhere you think we should go. I promise that I'll make it up to you." He gave her his most charming smile and knew that she had always loved to drag him to all kinds of department stores and malls and just everywhere with Christmas decorations in the windows. But, to be honest, he had loved it.

"You always complained." She pointed out with a raised eyebrow once she had swallowed her second pancake.

"I promise I won't complain." When he saw that she still wasn't convinced he continued, "cross my heart and hope to die."

"Okay." She smiled and kissed him again. This really was perfection.

 _Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays_  
 _Cause no matter how far away you roam_  
 _If you want to be a happy in a million ways_  
 _For the holidays, you cant beat home, sweet home_  
 _For the holidays, you cant beat home, sweet home_

* * *

 _Alrighty, what did you think? Reviews are LOVE :)_


	6. A Holly Jolly Christmas

**Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

 _I have to admit that I'm kinda sad that this seems to be the least popular one of my stories because it actually is my personal favorite :(_

* * *

 **A Holly Jolly Christmas**

" _Are we done?" Derek looked up at his wife of two years and yawned. He was sitting on one of the comfortable chairs at Saks and watched her look for shoes, or purses, or scarves, or whatever she had decided she wanted to buy. It all looked the same, those damn designers really never came up with anything new and she got annoyed when he couldn't tell the difference between Manolos and Louboutins, whatever that even meant!_

" _No, Derek, we aren't done, and do you want to know why we aren't done?" She turned around and looked at him._

" _I probably don't." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Shopping with Addison was exhausting, it really was. "Take those shoes, those look hot."_

" _Those are the shoes I came here with." She now had an amused expression on her face. "You know, for a surgeon you're not good at noticing details… Why people let you operate on them will be forever lost on me." She teased him and walked over to where he was sitting and pouting by now._

" _You're a really mean woman." He crossed his arms in front of his chest._

" _I'll make that up to you in the lingerie department." Her voice was barely above a whisper when she had leaned in to kiss him softly, her hands on the armrests of the chair._

" _Mhmm, I remember why I always liked shopping with you…"_

 _xxx_

"At least this year those spoiled brats won't complain about their presents anymore." Derek was handing his credit card over at the hundredth store and actually felt bad for the card… Shopping with Addison was exhausting for his bank account.

"What did you buy them last year?" She chuckled softly and smiled when he took her hand in hers again like he had been the entire day.

"Bookends… And I couldn't figure out what a pashmina was because Maggie really wanted one so I ended up sending her…" He was a little embarrassed to tell Addison, who had always picked out the greatest gifts for everyone in his family. "A Hannah Montana t-shirt."

She laughed at that and quickly bit the insides of her cheeks to stop because of the look he was giving her.

"She used to love that!"

"Uhm, yeah, five years ago, now she's graduating high school."

"I know, I know… I didn't even remember that." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before he picked up the bags.

"But don't worry, I sent her the pashmina… And it's a scarf."

"Oh, so that's why she called me to tell me that I was just really stupid for divorcing the best aunt in history… And Kathleen agreed with her."

"Are you spending Christmas with your family?" She asked when they walked into Bloomingdales, still missing a few more presents.

"No… I was kind of hoping to spend it with you… Nancy said that you cancelled on them." He pulled her a little closer and kissed her cheek, mentally preparing himself for more excessive shopping than he had been doing in the past five to ten years.

"Uhm, no… I'm not your mom's favorite person, if you remember correctly… So I'd also feel bad to keep her _Prince_ from celebrating Christmas with her." Addison sighed because she usually spent the holidays with his sisters and their husbands and children. They were her family, even after the divorce. But Derek's mother hadn't been much of her fan when Addison had still been happily married to Derek so after the affair and everything Carolyn Shepherd really hated Addison and blamed her for the fact that Derek hadn't ever been able to let her go.

"Well, it's my decision and I want to spend Christmas with you. Not only Christmas, by the way."

She smiled at him and had actually wanted to convince him to just go over to spend the holiday with his family but Carolyn already hated her, so she could just be selfish and spend Christmas alone with Derek. They had cancelled on his family before because he had claimed that both of them had to work and had then convinced her to just spend Christmas Eve with him. So they had gone to church, walked through the snow, cooked some dinner and spent the rest of the night on blankets in front of the fireplace.

 _xxx_

" _I think we should always spend Christmas like this." Derek whispered into her ear and brushed some of her long hair away from her neck before kissing the now exposed skin softly._

" _Mhm, tonight was really nice." She was sitting between his legs, her back resting against his chest. Maybe this really was her favorite Christmas so far because all she really needed was Derek. Addison loved spending time with his family but while having Derek all to herself on Christmas might have been selfish it was all she had wished for that year. With their hectic jobs time for just the two of them sometimes got lost along the way so it felt really good to have him this close._

" _I told you that would beat my annoying sisters." He chuckled against her skin and pulled her body even closer against his until he was satisfied with their proximity. "God, I love you." He placed kisses in her hair, then along her neck again, his fingers trailing up and down her upper arms._

" _I love you too." Addison smiled and closed her eyes, simply enjoying his touch and having him there._

 _xxx_

That night the two of them were cuddled up on the sofa again. Addison had cooked dinner and he had been pleasantly surprised that even with the full drawer of takeout menus she still knew how to cook. Now his arms were wrapped around her as her back rested against his chest. They had started talking about everything that had changed and everyone who had moved away, started a new career, gotten married, or divorced.

"Wow, I never thought that Preston would ever leave Seattle, all he talked about was becoming the next Chief!"

"Yep, he's married now and has two daughters. But you won't believe where he moved, I mean, really, you just won't." Derek chuckled softly and smiled to himself at the realization that nothing much had changed about his Addie. Her hair still smelled the same, she still used the same perfume and she still made his heart melt.

"Hmm… Let me guess…" She pretended to think about it. "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore…"

"How did you know?!"

"Because I got a wedding invitation and then a Christmas card."

"Gee, someone was popular in Seattle…" He teased her.

"Yeah, with like three people." She had to laugh and rolled her eyes. "What else did I miss?"

"Well, you know about Miranda and Richard and Callie… So… Mark is engaged." He felt her body tense up at the mention of Mark's name but he knew they had to talk about all of that at some point.

"The same Mark who's never had a serious relationship?" She asked after a while, trying to be as fine with this topic as she could.

"He did have one… With you…" He saw her eyes closing and knew that tears were already threatening to fall. Derek hated that he had made her cry but they _had to_ talk about their past.

"You can barely call that a relationship."

"What would you call it then?" His voice was soft and considerate and nothing like she had expected it to be. She knew that she had hurt Derek terribly and she had always regretted doing _this_ and especially with Mark but a part had just wanted to hurt Derek for always leaving her but mostly she had just felt so sad and so alone and he had been there. Mark had always been there because Derek had sent him in the beginning and later because he felt bad for her.

"I was crying all the time because you had left and he… he stopped asking me what was wrong, stopped trying to comfort me because nothing worked… It was everything but a relationship." She felt him nod and then felt his arms tighten around her body.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and pulled her closer, his chin now resting on her shoulder. It broke his heart to hear her talk about the time after he had just left. "For being absent, for leaving, for Meredith and just for everything I did to ever hurt you. But I promise I'll do everything so we'll get past that."

"Me too." Her voice was barely above a whisper but she was certain that this time they would be able to make it work. Maybe this year she would finally be granted her Christmas wish that had been the same for years now.

 _xxx_

" _Man, you really have to chill, you know." Mark rolled his eyes at his best friend before heading out of the door. Tonight would be Derek's first date with the most beautiful woman he had ever met. Addison Montgomery was warm, smart, funny, incredibly beautiful and completely enchanting. And she had agreed to go out with him. Which was why he was so unbelievably nervous that he had gotten changed again and again and groaned when his hair just wouldn't stay the way he had wanted it to. And Mark, of course, had teased him about being even worse than a chick._

 _But all of those worries disappeared when she opened her door and all he could do was stare at her for a moment. Addison was wearing a dark green sweater and black jeans and he had never seen anything this beautiful._

" _Hi." She smiled at him and grabbed her coat. He was so handsome in his dark brown leather jacket and the light blue shirt he was wearing underneath. Derek had asked her out after she had been waiting for him to finally do so most of this semester. They had been teamed up and he was the nicest guy she had ever met. He was sweet, considerate and smart. On top of that he was just so handsome and when he smiled at her it felt like nothing else existed._

" _Hey." Derek finally found his voice and grinned at her. "Here." He handed her some flowers and noticed the smile on her face that matched his._

" _And here they say chivalry is dead." She kissed him on the cheek and let her lips linger for a second before pulling back from him. His cologne smelled so familiar and it put her to ease. She had been stressing out over this date for ages and now that Friday had finally come she couldn't shake the feeling that this would be so much different than her other dates in the past._

 _xxx_

So when Derek had made her lunch and pulled her closer in the kitchen to officially ask her out on a date that night Addison was just as nervous as she had been so many years ago. He had been so sweet and so much like the Derek who had asked her out in medical school. Everything about Derek Shepherd still made her nervous and caused the butterflies in her stomach to resurface. She had wondered if she would ever feel like this when she was still in high school and no boy had ever asked her out. Except for prom but that really was nothing to ever talk about. And now she was right back to where they had started even though she never would have thought that he still had that effect on her. Nothing had changed and even Addison was surprised that all that had ever been missing from her life was Derek.

"Savvy, what the hell am I supposed to wear?" She stood in front of her walk in closet and stared at her clothes and all the labels, the sequins, the expensive fabrics. But she didn't even know where he was taking her! How do you dress when you don't know where you're going?!

" _Oh, hey, Addie, is it twenty years ago because this feels like a déjà vu and I still have all those wrinkles…"_

"Savvy!"

" _Alright, I'm sorry, this isn't the time for jokes." Savannah had to laugh because she knew the look her best friend most likely had on her face._

"Would you just please help me? Because, just like twenty years ago, Derek didn't tell me what we are going to do and I hate that!"

" _No, you love that and even I love him for that because you need that in your life, Addie, just a little spontaneity. Just wear what you wore twenty years ago." She could hear the annoyed groan on the other end of the line. "Not the exact same thing, Addison! How you ever made it through medical school, I do wonder sometimes…"_

"Thank you, Savvy… Do you think that I'm making a mistake?" Her voice sounded unsure and vulnerable, afraid of getting hurt again.

" _No. I think that he's really serious about you." Savannah had hated Derek and everything he had done to break her best friend but she also knew that the only person who could ever fix this again was Derek._

"I love you, Savvy."

* * *

 _Reviews to know if people are still reading would be lovely ;)_

 _Next up: The most incredible date EVER_


	7. White Christmas

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _Hi! As promised this is their date and I seriously might just love Derek even more now! I actually had to cut it short because it's already too long, I hope you guys don't mind :) Special thanks to those who reviewed, made my day! :)_

* * *

 **White Christmas**

That night the two of them were cuddled up on the sofa again. Addison had cooked dinner and he had been pleasantly surprised that even with the full drawer of takeout menus she still knew how to cook. Now his arms were wrapped around her as her back rested against his chest. They had started talking about everything that had changed and everyone who had moved away, started a new career, gotten married, or divorced.

"Wow, I never thought that Preston would ever leave Seattle, all he talked about was becoming the next Chief!"

"Yep, he's married now and has two daughters. But you won't believe where he moved, I mean, really, you just won't." Derek chuckled softly and smiled to himself at the realization that nothing much had changed about his Addie. Her hair still smelled the same, she still used the same perfume and she still made his heart melt.

"Hmm… Let me guess…" She pretended to think about it. "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore…"

"How did you know?!"

"Because I got a wedding invitation and then a Christmas card."

"Gee, someone was popular in Seattle…" He teased her.

"Yeah, with like three people." She had to laugh and rolled her eyes. "What else did I miss?"

"Well, you know about Miranda and Richard and Callie… So… Mark is engaged." He felt her body tense up at the mention of Mark's name but he knew they had to talk about all of that at some point.

"The same Mark who's never had a serious relationship?" She asked after a while, trying to be as fine with this topic as she could.

"He did have one… With you…" He saw her eyes closing and knew that tears were already threatening to fall. Derek hated that he had made her cry but they _had to_ talk about their past.

"You can barely call that a relationship."

"What would you call it then?" His voice was soft and considerate and nothing like she had expected it to be. She knew that she had hurt Derek terribly and she had always regretted doing _this_ and especially with Mark but a part had just wanted to hurt Derek for always leaving her but mostly she had just felt so sad and so alone and he had been there. Mark had always been there because Derek had sent him in the beginning and later because he felt bad for her.

"I was crying all the time because you had left and he… he stopped asking me what was wrong, stopped trying to comfort me because nothing worked… It was everything but a relationship." She felt him nod and then felt his arms tighten around her body.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and pulled her closer, his chin now resting on her shoulder. It broke his heart to hear her talk about the time after he had just left. "For being absent, for leaving, for Meredith and just for everything I did to ever hurt you. But I promise I'll do everything so we'll get past that."

"Me too." Her voice was barely above a whisper but she was certain that this time they would be able to make it work. Maybe this year she would finally be granted her Christmas wish that had been the same for years now.

 _xxx_

" _Man, you really have to chill, you know." Mark rolled his eyes at his best friend before heading out of the door. Tonight would be Derek's first date with the most beautiful woman he had ever met. Addison Montgomery was warm, smart, funny, incredibly beautiful and completely enchanting. And she had agreed to go out with him. Which was why he was so unbelievably nervous that he had gotten changed again and again and groaned when his hair just wouldn't stay the way he had wanted it to. And Mark, of course, had teased him about being even worse than a chick._

 _But all of those worries disappeared when she opened her door and all he could do was stare at her for a moment. Addison was wearing a dark green sweater and black jeans and he had never seen anything this beautiful._

" _Hi." She smiled at him and grabbed her coat. He was so handsome in his dark brown leather jacket and the light blue shirt he was wearing underneath. Derek had asked her out after she had been waiting for him to finally do so most of this semester. They had been teamed up and he was the nicest guy she had ever met. He was sweet, considerate and smart. On top of that he was just so handsome and when he smiled at her it felt like nothing else existed._

" _Hey." Derek finally found his voice and grinned at her. "Here." He handed her some flowers and noticed the smile on her face that matched his._

" _And here they say chivalry is dead." She kissed him on the cheek and let her lips linger for a second before pulling back from him. His cologne smelled so familiar and it put her to ease. She had been stressing out over this date for ages and now that Friday had finally come she couldn't shake the feeling that this would be so much different than her other dates in the past._

 _xxx_

So when Derek had made her lunch and pulled her closer in the kitchen to officially ask her out on a date that night Addison was just as nervous as she had been so many years ago. He had been so sweet and so much like the Derek who had asked her out in medical school. Everything about Derek Shepherd still made her nervous and caused the butterflies in her stomach to resurface. She had wondered if she would ever feel like this when she was still in high school and no boy had ever asked her out. Except for prom but that really was nothing to ever talk about. And now she was right back to where they had started even though she never would have thought that he still had that effect on her. Nothing had changed and even Addison was surprised that all that had ever been missing from her life was Derek.

"Savvy, what the hell am I supposed to wear?" She stood in front of her walk in closet and stared at her clothes and all the labels, the sequins, the expensive fabrics. But she didn't even know where he was taking her! How do you dress when you don't know where you're going?!

" _Oh, hey, Addie, is it twenty years ago because this feels like a déjà vu and I still have all those wrinkles…"_

"Savvy!"

" _Alright, I'm sorry, this isn't the time for jokes." Savannah had to laugh because she knew the look her best friend most likely had on her face._

"Would you just please help me? Because, just like twenty years ago, Derek didn't tell me what we are going to do and I hate that!"

" _No, you love that and even I love him for that because you need that in your life, Addie, just a little spontaneity. Just wear what you wore twenty years ago." She could hear the annoyed groan on the other end of the line. "Not the exact same thing, Addison! How you ever made it through medical school, I do wonder sometimes…"_

"Thank you, Savvy… Do you think that I'm making a mistake?" Her voice sounded unsure and vulnerable, afraid of getting hurt again.

" _No. I think that he's really serious about you." Savannah had hated Derek and everything he had done to break her best friend but she also knew that the only person who could ever fix this again was Derek._

"I love you, Savvy."

 _xxx_

" _So, I was thinking…" Derek took a deep breath and wrapped his arm around her waist. He was so afraid that she would pull away because she didn't want him this close to her. After she didn't take a step away from him and he even had the impression that she had moved just a little closer, but it probably was only his imagination playing tricks on him. "Since you're from Connecticut I'd like to show you the greatest place in the city." His voice was soft and velvety and she couldn't help the shiver that went through her body when he led her up a very familiar road._

" _Are you taking me to your apartment?" Her voice didn't sound nearly as annoyed, as it probably should have at the idea that he'd probably consider his bed the greatest spot in the city. But Derek wasn't like that._

" _Uhm, no. I'm kind of offended you really think that. But just bear with me for another moment and you'll see what I mean." He saw her nod and was relieved. Mark had told him that if she would agree to this, then there was nothing she wouldn't agree to and Derek had resisted the urge to hit him right then and there because that wasn't why he had asked her out. He had asked her out because there was a connection between them and he hadn't ever felt happiness like he did whenever she was around._

 _He led her up to the roof where he had put two of those reclining beach chairs, a few blankets and takeout from their favorite Italian restaurant._

" _Since you said that you hate never seeing stars anymore because of all the buildings and that that really was the only downside of New York, I figured I'd show you the stars." Derek had this charming smile on his face again and she had to fight the urge to just kiss him and thank him for being the most wonderful person in the world._

 _xxx_

"Derek! Can you get the door?" Addison called when she heard the doorbell. She was almost finished with her makeup and sighed when Derek didn't answer her. So she quickly finished and ran down the stairs when the person rang the doorbell again.

"Hi." A grin spread over Addison's face when she saw Derek standing on the other side of the door.

"Hi. I figured it was only appropriate to pick you up properly for our first date." And then he handed her a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, just like he had twenty years ago.

"Thank you." Her voice was barely above a whisper and he couldn't believe how much better it felt to be there with her again. He had been dreaming of this for so long but reality surpassed imagination every day when it came to Addison. She was wearing dark jeans, a dark top and a crème colored knitted cardigan and her auburn hair fell over her shoulders perfectly.

"So where are you taking me?" She looked over at him when they walked through the snowy streets of their favorite city. Derek only shook his head at her question and wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her closer. He seemed so much more at ease than he had all those years ago and it helped to calm her down.

"Since it's winter and kind of cold, I really had to come up with a new plan because I'd hate for you to freeze because I do intend on keeping you around…"

"Well, you could always keep me warm." She suggested in a soft whisper and walked as close to him as possible. Before Derek could answer, a grin already on his face, she gasped when she realized where he was taking her. "The museum?" She raised her eyebrows at him in question. Why was he taking her to the Museum of Natural History?

"Patience is a virtue, Addie." He teased her because he knew that that might be her biggest flaw, the lack of patience. And he knew she was rolling her eyes right now but resisted the urge to say something. "Thank you, Donald." Derek smiled at the man opening the door for them and shook his hand after he had given him a key.

"So you aren't planning on murdering me somewhere in this museum, right?"

"Yep, this was my plan, Addison." He chuckled and rolled his eyes at her as he led her towards the planetarium. "I'm taking you star gazing and I figured this would be more comfortable." She watched him walk over to a bag right in the middle of the planetarium. He took out two fluffy blankets, a bottle of wine and a takeout container.

"How did you do this?" A big smile was on her face when he turned on the lightshow and some soft music.

"Well… Donald is about to retire to spend some more time with his wife. He's the curator here and his wife had a brain tumor. The doctors had recommended me to operate on her so they came out to Seattle and I removed the tumor. He told me that if I ever need anything, all I had to do was give him a call, so I did." He shrugged his shoulders and laid the blankets down before motioning to her to sit down before he joined her on the floor.

"This is incredible." She whispered when he lay down and smiled up at her.

"You know, the last time we went star gazing, I really had no idea about all the different stars and whatnot…"

"So this time you read up on that?" She turned her head to the side so she could look at him, their faces only inches apart.

"No." He chuckled softly. "But now go watch the stars."

Addison laughed and leaned in to kiss him. Her fingers ran over his chest and then along his shoulders as her lips moved against his lightly. Derek smiled against her lips and tangled his fingers in her hair when he drew her closer to him so he could deepen the kiss before pulling back rather abruptly.

"You didn't do that the last time." He grinned, brushing some of the auburn locks out of her face and then ran his fingers over her bottom lip. Addison pecked his lips again and turned her gaze towards the star installation above them, a smile on her face when she felt him take her hand in his.

 _xxx_

 _Addison, now also on Derek's chair, had snuggled into Derek. They had been looking up at the stars and had talked about everything for hours and she had never felt this comfortable around anyone else. His arms were wrapped around her body and his breathing was even, almost as if he was about to fall asleep. But he wasn't, he vowed himself not to fall asleep when he was spending time with her because every moment was precious._

" _Tonight is wonderful, Derek." She whispered after a few minutes of comfortable silence and opened her eyes to look at the stars again. Derek had tried to tell her where which star or cluster was but he had about as little of a clue as she did. They had ended up laughing about this and just looked at the sky and how beautiful and peaceful everything seemed from up there. "And the stars are beautiful from up here."_

" _Not nearly as beautiful as you." He whispered into her hair and inhaled her scent. It was a mixture of her shampoo and the perfume he loved so much. And he couldn't remember when he had ever had a first date that had been this comfortable and yet exciting. Scratch that, he had NEVER had a date like this and neither had he ever thought he'd ever be so lucky._

 _xxx_

"I can't believe you managed to make this date even better than the first one we ever had." Addison pecked his lips again, hardly able to control herself any longer. He had been a perfect gentleman and hadn't made much of a move and she felt like she was about to lose her mind. It was far past midnight because they had gotten lost in their talks, in the stars and in each other, just like the first time he had taken her stargazing.

"I'm very glad to hear that." He helped her into her coat and ran his hands over her shoulders and along her upper arms before she turned around again. Derek gave her a smile and leaned in to kiss her ever so softly before he pulled back again, not letting her deepen the kiss. "Ready to go home?"

Addison nodded her head and smiled when he took her hand in his as they walked out of the planetarium. She chuckled when he made a remark about getting a copy of the key as long as he still had it so they could sneak in whenever they pleased and then they walked home through the snow again.

"Hey Addie…" Derek said softly after a while and she looked up at him, her eyebrows rose in question. "It started to snow." Her eyes widened and the smile on her face grew even bigger at the mention of snow and at the sight of thick snowflakes.

"You think that the universe is trying to tell us something?"

"Probably that it's winter?" He had a very amused look on his face and she knew that he was just trying to tease her for sounding so very corny.

"You really know how to ruin the mood, don't you, Shepherd?" She grumbled and nudged him playfully.

"Oh, come on." He pulled her closer and turned her around in his arms so she was facing him again before he kissed her again and with that erased the annoyed look she had had on her face only seconds before. He stroked her cheek tenderly and looked into her eyes, their lips still only inches apart. "I don't think I need the universe to tell me that I love you." He whispered and smiled at the look in her eyes that mirrored his completely. Derek knew that he had never stopped loving her and he was glad that she felt the same way about him. He was certain that they would be able to make it work again.

* * *

 _So, was that cute or entirely too much? :D I stand firmly on incredibly cute, but that's just me._  
 _They did talk about Mark and the whole thing a little, there will be more in the future though. So just bear with me for a little longer!_

 _Reviews are love!_


	8. Love on Layaway

**Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas**

 _Guest: Finally there is more ;)_

 _Lena-Prince08: Thank you :) It finally seems to get closer to that time of the year again so I feel like updating this (now some planning is involved because I need some memorable chapter for actual Christmas day… Ideas?)_

 _Addison-fan: I hope you enjoy this too :) And there will be plenty of dates to come but I doubt I'll ever be able to come up with another date like that :D_

 _luvaddek: OMG If I owned GA! That would be totally awesome and I'd be so rich… BUT a show simply about Addek would probably not really sell… Which is why I'm still poor and only writing on ff :D_

 _Ana Morais: Yes, I think I love Derek too, unfortunately I believe that a guy like that only exists in fiction… And I'm sorry about making you wait that long but it finally seems appropriate again to be soooo happy that it'll be Christmas in exactly 52 days! YAY!_

 _Anne: Nothing eventful to happen (probably not in the entire ff because Christmas needs to be fluffy :D) but new chapter!_

 _Guest: Here comes the Christmas fluff :)_

 _Alright, it finally is close to Christmas (well, kinda at least) and I am feeling somewhat festive. Somehow the intense Christmas spirit comes earlier each year!_

* * *

 **Love On Layaway**

 _Santa bring on your sleigh just for me this holiday_  
 _The one I want and make my dreams come true_  
 _I'll be good every day, I'll put some love on layaway_  
 _And spend it all this Christmas on you  
_

xxx

 _Their first date had been like nothing Addison had ever experienced and when he walked her home to her apartment it was already four in the morning. They had spent the entire night talking and laughing, bonding over a common geek phase in high school and their mutual love for food, Christmas, holidays and animals. Before dates had been uncomfortable and just a sequence of clearing their throats and trying to think of the next topic so they would at least have something to talk about. Addison had used to think that her picture of the ideal guy and the ideal guy had just been a lie fabricated by Disney and many movies but when she had met Derek she had already thought that maybe those movies held a little bit of truth. Tonight had made her realize that all those childhood phantasies of Prince Charming hadn't been nearly as wonderful as the real life Prince Charming._

" _Thank you for tonight." She smiled at him and saw him fidget around a little. This entire night Addison had waited for him to kiss her but he hadn't. Whenever he had gotten just close enough he had pulled away as if he had been afraid of her reaction._

" _Thank you for agreeing to go out with me." He had stepped closer and now ran his hand over her arm again. He was trying his best not to lose his nerve again but she made him nervous and even though she had been cuddling up to him and seemed to enjoy his closeness there was still a part of him that was afraid of her reaction. In the past Derek had been more than just confident on dates and around women in general. He had always guessed that this was the (only) upside to growing up with four sisters but with Addison everything was different. She made him nervous even though he felt so at ease around her but somehow this next step seemed –_

" _Are you ever going to kiss me?" She had tilted her head to the side slightly and gave him a very nervous smile. Addison had run her hand along his arm, nonchalantly stepped closer and flirted with him all night. But yet he hadn't dared to kiss her yet._

" _Oh, uhm… Yes, I was and…" Derek took a deep breath and stopped rambling so he could look at her. Addison looked as beautiful as ever, standing in front of him and basically asking him to kiss her. And he had been stupid enough to be so afraid this entire evening and even now he caught himself hesitating._

 _After what felt like eternity Derek slowly leaned in right as she was beginning to feel a little like he maybe didn't want to kiss her after all. But everything was quickly forgotten when his lips touched hers for the first time. Her entire body began to tingle and her mind went completely blank. His lips on hers and his arms around her waist and in her hair and she couldn't help the soft moan that escaped her lips. Derek felt like he didn't have her close enough now that she was kissing him back and he pulled her even closer towards him._

" _I really don't know why I haven't kissed you before." He whispered against her lips, making her smile before he leaned back in._

xxx

Derek was lucky enough to have been out with the most beautiful woman on this earth all night and now he had walked her up to her bedroom door. Just that this time he wasn't going to be too afraid to kiss her.

"Thank you for a wonderful date." She smiled at the look on his face, at the dreamy expression, the sparkle in his eyes and at how amazing he made her feel.

"Thank you for agreeing to go out with me." Yes, he remembered exactly what he had said to her twenty years ago.

"I just hope that you'll –" And then he cut her off by kissing her ever so softly. Addison smiled against his lips and ran her fingers through his deep brown hair as she slipped her tongue into his mouth, causing a shiver to run through her body.

But then, when she was just about to pull him into her bedroom with her he pecked her lips again and whispered, "good night, Addie." It took all of Derek's willpower to pull away from her because he knew the look in her eyes all too well. But he didn't want to rush this because it would all be worth it in the end.

"Night, Derek." She whispered back and watched him walk towards the guestroom. When he was out of sight she walked into her room, resting her back against the door and letting her head fall back against the door with a sigh. He was _the_ perfect gentleman but why had he just left it at that? Maybe he was trying to take things slow and maybe he was right and they shouldn't rush things but _oh god_ did she want him!

" _Seriously?! NOW you call me?!" Savannah was a little irritated since her best friend had promised to call her right after the date but then it dawned on her. "Ohhhh, wait, that means you—"_

"No! He actually walked me to my door and then kissed me good night." Addison sighed and let herself fall back on her matrass. She had been having not so PG-13 dreams that all involved Derek most of the night and had woken up quite frustrated. Why did he have to be this considerate now?!

" _Aww, but that's really cute! Or did he wait all night to kiss you again?" There was soft laughter on the other side of the line._

"No, which makes it even worse because, really, it's been forever since I've … you know… And even longer since it's been good and with Derek it's always been good… More than good, actually."

" _Addison Adrianne Forbes-Montgomery, you still can't just say that it's been forever since you've had good SEX? Geez, good thing he wants to wait with such a prude like you. But come on, you really have to tell me about the date! I wanna know if the 2.0 version is as cute as the original."_

"It was even greater than that." Addison smiled at herself and closed her eyes when she told her best friend all about the most wonderful date in the history.

" _Okay, are you sure you really want him? Because now I do..." Once they had gotten over their giggles Savannah continued, "is he still as dreamy?"_

"Yeah… It's like it used to be… Just too good to be true."

" _Listen to me, you deserve to be happy. You guys save lives every day and I've never seen two people who are this perfect for each other. So this is your time, Addie, enjoy it because you've earned this."_

"Good morning." Derek couldn't help feeling unbelievably giddy when he saw her standing in the kitchen, the table already set for the both of them. He had woken up this morning and wondered if it all had just been a dream once again but the memory of their date was so much better than his dreams ever had been. Everything had fallen into place again and he had sworn to himself to never let her go again.

"Good morning." She turned around to look at him, a smile on her beautiful features. She watched him walk over to her and then he picked her up to twirl her around, eliciting giggles from her.

"Alright, ending the corny moment." He chuckled and set her back down again, his arms still around her.

"Not just yet." She leaned in to kiss him and sighed contently against his lips. When their lips parted they both stood there with a smile on their faces.

"So, are you ready for a second date tonight?" He whispered and ran his fingers along her cheek, marveling in the softness of her skin.

"Well, I am very glad that you didn't wait almost a week to ask me this time around." She chuckled and remembered how horrible it had been to wait for his call.

xxx

" _Savvy! He still didn't call! I'm this close to jumping off a building." Addison let herself fall down on the sofa, face first and groaned into the cushions. It had been a week since her date with Derek. A week since the date she had deemed perfect. A week since he had kissed her and A WEEK since she had heard from him._

" _Listen to me, he will call you, trust me, he really will." Savannah had been telling her best friend this for the past week and she started to doubt this herself._

" _Who waits an entire week to call someone if they're interested?!" Addison's voice was desperate and she really had thought he would call, like call right away because he had had a great time. But apparently that feeling hadn't been mutual. Oh no, maybe this was why he had hesitated to kiss her?_

 _But then the ringing of their doorbell rudely interrupted her musings. She shot up from the sofa and stared at her best friend who only rolled her eyes walked over to answer the door._

" _It's the idiot who's waited a week to call you." Savannah chuckled and opened the door further, revealing a now very embarrassed Derek. "You should never wait longer than 24 hours to call if you're interested." She winked at him and walked out of the door so she could give them some privacy._

 _Now only Addison and Derek were left, just staring at each other. She was so afraid he'd tell her that he wasn't interested, that he had made up his mind and she wasn't his type after all. Maybe that's why he hadn't called? Simply because he wasn't interested in her._

 _Derek took a deep breath, he had finally figured out that Mark really wasn't the person to give anyone relationship advice and that his great tip about 'call her in two weeks, let her wait a little' had been ALL wrong. And now he dreaded her reaction. He wouldn't have blamed her for not wanting to see him again, for kicking him out and for being mad._

" _I'm so sorry." He took a step towards her. "I wanted to call you the minute I got home but my best friend is an idiot who said I shouldn't and I'm an even bigger idiot because I followed his stupid advice." Derek could see relief wash over her features, her smile appeared and she let out a breath she had been holding. "All I wanted to do was to call you and take you out for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner. Anything just so I could see you again and I'm so sorry I waited… Because any minute without you is nothing compared to only a second with you."_

xxx

"You can believe me, I won't repeat mistakes of the past." Derek smiled at her and couldn't believe how lucky he was to be in her life again. He would _never_ wait to call her, would never take her for granted again and he would never stop telling her how much he loved her and how lucky he felt to have her. "Because any minute without you is nothing compared to only a second with you."

Addison tilted her head to the side slightly and couldn't stop smiling. "Hmm, I've heard that somewhere before." She felt his arms tighten around her waist and ran her fingers along his chest and over his shoulders again.

"It was the best I could come up with in the ten minute sprint to your apartment after finally realizing that I was the biggest idiot on the planet."

"You could have called and I could have told you that." Addison teased him and laughed at the look he was giving her. She had never thought he was an idiot but instead found it incredibly cute that he had been somewhat as insecure as she had felt about his feelings towards her.

"So what do you say, can the idiot take you out to dinner tonight?"

"That sounds very good and at least you're telling me so I can dress appropriately."

"I seem to remember that you did dress appropriately last night as well." He pecked her lips again before pulling back so he could have some breakfast. "But dinner can also mean Pizza Hut, just so you know." Derek wouldn't be Derek without remarks like that and she had missed them.

"If you take me to Pizza Hut for our second date, that will be the last date you'll have with me." She laughed and sat down at the table.

"Ohhhh, I'm Addison and I'm too good for the Hut, I'm too good for the Hut…" He stopped mocking her when a strawberry hit him and she threw him a triumphant look and shrugged her shoulders at the baffled expression on his face. "You _attacked_ me!"

"I might make up for that tonight." Addison gave him that look that had always made him pull her into the nearest on-call room or push her up against the closest wall. But this time he only winked at her and began to eat. He really had to control himself a little longer but she made it so much harder. "But seriously, you're not taking me to Pizza Hut, are you?" With Derek you could never be so sure that he wouldn't actually take her to a place like that. Not that she normally would mind but the attire would have to be different.

"No, I'm not. So you can wear one of those designer dresses and ridiculously high heels and then complain about how much more comfortable a quiet evening at home would have been." He had this boyish grin on his face that had been one of those many reasons she had once fallen head over heels in love with him. Derek knew her just a little too well and he remembered how she had complained about never going 'anywhere nice' anymore and then about how exhausting it always was to look presentable enough. He had always told her that she always looked more than presentable to him and that he had never seen anything more beautiful in his life and that he would gladly trade any supermodel in this world for her without makeup after a double shift at the hospital. Maybe this was one of the reasons she kept complaining, just to hear his little speech again that made her heart warm.

"You love those designer dresses and ridiculously high heels."

Derek knew she had a point but then again, he loved his Addie in anything and nothing, especially nothing. "How about just the heels and no designer dresses."

She smacked his arm playfully and rolled her eyes but couldn't hide the grin on her face.

xxx

 _La la la la la la la la la la lay_  
 _Gonna put some love on layaway for you_  
 _La la la la la la la la la la lay_  
 _Gonna spend it all this Christmas on you  
_

* * *

 _REVIEWS ARE LOVE :-* And Christmas is all about love now, isn't it? ;)_


	9. Merry Christmas To You

**Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

 _Addison-fan: I seriously love you for still reviewing!_

 _To the people still reading: I swear, this is my last update if no one reviews anymore, I don't need to post this for my own enjoyment… Sorry, but some feedback would really be nice..._

* * *

 **Merry Christmas To You**

 _Chestnuts roasting on an open fire_  
 _Jack Frost nipping at your nose_  
 _Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir_  
 _And folks dressed up like Eskimos_

" _Honey, I found the perfect restaurant!" She grinned at her husband who was sitting on the sofa because he had been waiting what felt like ages for her to get dressed._

" _You said that about this Japanese place and if you make me eat that slimy stuff again, I'll never get up from this sofa again." Derek knew that he had a point. Last week she had dragged him to a restaurant the entire city had been raving about and then they had both discovered their mutual dislike for extremely slimy food._

" _It's Italian and you really can't go wrong with Italian." Addison argued and extended her hand to him so he would finally get up because she really was hungry. It was then that Derek finally noticed his wife wearing a dark blue dress that clung to all the right places and a pair of those high heels he always liked her to keep on when they came home and – "Hellooooo, earth to Derek." She waved a hand in front of his face when she noticed his gaze fixated on her chest. "Are we going or what?" The look on her face was rather amused when his eyes finally met hers._

" _Yes, because the sooner we get home, the sooner I can let you make it up to me if this place is as bad as the one from last week." Derek grinned and got up, pulling her towards the door with him. "So, where are we going?"_

" _Alessandro's." Addison stated and took his hand in hers again once they were out of the door._

 _xxx_

"Oh, you're not picking me up at the front door again?" Addison asked when she walked down the stairs and saw Derek sitting on the sofa, already waiting for her.

"You know that we were supposed to leave half an hour ago and I would have frozen to death by now." He got up and took her in. She was so beautiful that he could barely believe it. That little black dress, the black patent heels and the soft bounce of her hair. Addison had never needed all the effort she always claimed her getting ready took because she always looked magnificent and he knew for a fact that it only took her so long to get ready was because she had too many choices of clothing and shoes and purses and accessories and what not.

"You don't freeze that quickly if you're wearing a winter coat." She deadpanned, now standing right in front of him. With a smile she took in his appearance, his black tux that she had bought many years ago, the white dress shirt underneath it and a silk tie she had given him ages ago because he didn't have a decent one.

"You look incredibly beautiful." Derek had chosen to ignore her comment and pretty much already forgotten about it again because she was just the most distracting person to have around. He remembered how he had once almost killed a patient during surgery because she had watched from the gallery and he had gotten distracted. And he remembered getting yelled at by Richard who, obviously, couldn't understand how the presence of a single person could mess up someone's concentration like that.

"Thank you, you don't clean up badly either." She ran her fingers along his tux to smooth out a few tiny wrinkles. "Nice tux."

"I'm glad you like it. Someone has once told me that a classic look never goes out of style." He took her hand in his and led her to the front door where he helped her into her coat.

"Mhh, must have been a very wise person." They walked out of the door together and she inhaled deeply, enjoying the crisp winter air.

"A little full of herself, but sure." Derek laughed and pulled her a little closer, just so she wouldn't get cold, of course.

"So, Prince Not-So-Charming, where are you taking me?" They both knew that she was only teasing him, just like they always had done. Maybe this was one of the reasons their relationship had been this good.

"You of all people should know this way…" He was aware of the fact that she hadn't looked at anything in particular, just at him and at the snow. She never looked at her surroundings much when he was around because she was sure he would just do that for her. For years she hadn't even found the way to his sister's house up state because he had always been driving.

"I'm relying on you for that…" Addison grinned at him and then took a closer look at her surroundings. "Ohhh, Alessandro's?"

"Good thing that you realized that when we are almost in front of the restaurant." He laughed and she couldn't help but laugh along as they walked into the familiar restaurant.

"Dr. Montgomery! How are you?" A waiter approached her and took her coat with a smile.

"I'm good, how are Diane and Lucy?" Derek looked at the two of them. He was a little confused because the waiter did seem rather familiar and Addison seemed to know him quite well but he just couldn't remember why the man seemed like he knew him from somewhere.

"They're doing wonderful." He gave her another smile before turning towards Derek. "Good evening, Dr. Shepherd." He greeted, obviously still remembering. "I'm Paul, your waiter from when you first came in here." He clarified and then it dawned on Derek.

"Paul actually now owns this restaurant and I delivered his daughter almost a year ago."

"Congratulations." Derek smiled at the younger man as he led them towards their usual table that Addison had preferred all those years ago. "So that was the poor man who always had to tell you that I was an idiot who kept cancelling on you?" He asked quietly once they had sat down and ordered.

"The one and only." She nodded her head and looked out of the window when he covered her hand with his.

"I'm really sorry." Derek felt like the worst person on this planet because he could imagine how much she had suffered. His time in Seattle had been horrible without her and to think that she had spent years like that made his heart break.

 _xxx_

 _Derek had been pacing the hallway in front of Richard Webber's office at Seattle Grace Hospital for about twenty minutes now. He had called and he had made an appointment so why the hell did this take so long?! Time was of the essence and Derek just wanted to talk to Richard so he could be on his way and damn it! He really needed to hurry!_

" _Geez, Shepherd, what's the matter?" Richard walked past him and opened the door._

" _I'm leaving, Richard." Derek was still standing by the door and caused the chief to turn around, shock evident on his face._

" _What?" Richard was confused. Why would someone leave when they were bound to become the next chief of surgery when that was what they had been working for their entire life? Why would anyone do that to his or her career? But then it dawned on him why his best surgeon was leaving. "Please don't tell me that it's because of –"_

" _Yeah, it is. I've been an idiot and I probably would deserve it if she would stab me with a scalpel but even that would be better than never seeing her again and never being able to apologize for treating her like I did…"_

" _Well, knowing Addison she would do worse things than just stab you…"_

 _Derek had to laugh a little and knew that Richard had a point; anger really didn't become Addison too well. "But I have to go and consider this my two week's notice, I'll be taking up my vacation time until then and here is my official resignation."_

" _So you've been thinking about this for a while?"_

" _Yes and I have realized that I was an idiot for chasing my career and thinking that it was what would make me happy when I had the most wonderful person at my side the entire time. Without her I could be chief of surgery, president of the United States or homeless under a bridge, it wouldn't make a difference."_

 _xxx_

"Thank you for dinner." Without the patience to wait for him to kiss her anymore Addison leaned in and briefly brushed her lips over his before continuing their walk home. Dinner had been more than pleasant and she was unbelievably glad to be here with him again; in the snow, in New York and in love. There, she really was in love with him again. _Gee, Addison, who are you kidding? You NEVER stopped loving him._

"I think we are much better at this than we were the first time around, don't you agree?" He took a hold of her wrist and turned her back towards him so he could kiss her again.

"Much better," she whispered against his lips and closed her eyes for another moment. Everything seemed so perfect and so familiar that she never wanted to let go of him ever again.

"Addie, I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you all those times and I'm so sorry that I left you waiting at that restaurant so many times." He sighed when he closed the door of the brownstone behind him and watched her as she slowly turned around to face him. "I'm so sorry for everything I did to hurt you."

"Then why did you?" And this was the question he had asked himself over and over. When they had started dating he had felt like shouting from the rooftops that he had the most beautiful girl in the entire world by his side. When she had actually agreed to marry him he had been unbelievably happy and vowed himself that his entire life would always evolve around her.

"Because… I don't know… Remember when you got the first fellow ship?" He saw her nod in confusion. "That was when I knew you're twice the doctor I'll ever be and when I vowed myself to actually make you proud of me. I know it sounds so stupid but, Addie, ever since we met I couldn't help but think that I might not be good enough for you." It was true, Derek didn't have much money when they met (more like no money at all) and in general he had always been surprised that someone like her would ever go for someone like him.

"But –" She started but he signalized her that he wasn't finished yet.

"I know you'll say that that's totally stupid." He saw her smile slightly because that was what she had been about to say. "But I felt like there was no need for you to actually admire me. Which sounds stupid, I know that, but every time you watched a surgery of mine I felt like I was wasting your time. But that's not why I was never here… I was never here because at some point it just felt like you'd be here no matter what happened. You should have yelled at me or screamed or done something to get me to realize I was being an ass. Addie, I never wanted to take you for granted."

"Well, I did scream at you… In a very unfaithful way that made you run for the hills…" She looked down because she had seen the look in his eyes when she had brought that up.

xxx

" _I don't get it. I don't get how he can always blow me off and then pretend that everything is my fault!" Addison sighed and fell down on the sofa next to Mark who had been sent over to keep her a little calm after she had screamed at Derek on the phone for never being home, for always forgetting dinners, lunches, anniversaries and this particular anniversary to top it all of. He had always loved to celebrate the anniversary of their first date but that had changed in the last couple of years and he had decided that everyone and everything was more important than his wife and celebrating some silly anniversary that wasn't even their actual anniversary, as he had said on the phone earlier._

" _Addie, you need to calm down just a little." Mark had tried to get her to calm down the past thirty minutes and not that he didn't like to spend time with her but cleaning up the mess his best friend had left was becoming a little much to handle. Whenever Derek had sent him over to comfort Addison or watch a movie with her or whatnot she had been upset, to say the least. She had cried, yelled, thrown things and sometimes they had even hit him instead of the person she actually was trying to lash out against.  
"Do NOT tell me to calm down, you're in my house and you don't get to tell me to calm down!" She was livid, as always before she started crying. "It's not fair that he keeps sending you here instead of actually talking to me himself! It's not fair that he makes me feel like some silly housewife who doesn't have anything better to do than plan anniversaries and dinners and wait for the jerk who just doesn't show up! It's not fair! I'm a good doctor, I'm a good person!"_

" _I know you are." Mark sighed. He hated what Derek was doing to her and he had told him numerous times but Derek was so wrapped up in everything at the hospital, in climbing the ladder as successfully as he could, that he had forgotten about her along the way._

" _Maybe I should just leave. He deserves to feel as alone as I always feel." And then she started crying and Mark got up to wrap his arms around her to comfort her like he had always done and it felt so good to finally have someone care about her again. And Mark did care about her, so much more than Derek did. Addison's sobs stopped when he kissed the top of her head like he had done so many times before and slowly she pulled back and looked into his eyes and saw something she had only ever seen in Derek's. It was then that she had leaned in to kiss him and he hadn't protested or pulled back and neither had she._

 _And so I'm offering this simple phrase_  
 _To kids from one to ninety-two_  
 _Although it's been said many times, many ways_  
 _Merry Christmas to you_

* * *

 _Okay, slightly less happy BUT REVIEWS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED! Because I have no idea if anyone is even still reading this or not… Just kinda sucks when you post over 2000 words and get one review (which I am still very grateful for!)_

 _Reviews are love ;)_


	10. Happy Xmas (War is Over)

**Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

 _Guest: There won't be more GA characters, mainly because this story will be done by Christmas (hopefully)…_

 _LoveLastsForever: Honestly, I have no clue what they would be talking about or how you talk about all the stuff they had to go through, so this probably sucks :D_

 _Guest: I'm really glad you like this story :)_

 _Guest: Gracias :)_

 _Guest: I'm really not sure what they should say because insanely messed up situation… so I am open to suggestions!_

 _Addison-fan: I'm just really stuck since crappy situation and how do they get put of that? So, any suggestions would be awesome :D_

 _Jackass23: Thank you :)_

 _MaryMusic: Thank you :) and Addek was the best part of GA! Still sad they ended them :(_

 _Lena-Prince08: I'm so glad you're still reading and are enjoying Addek! I hope I can get them to somewhat normal again because there really can't be any personal experience in my life I can base any decisions they make on :D_

 _Em: You need to help me on how they could get through this! Seriously, desperate here :D thank you for reviewing and reading :)_

 _Okay, if ANYONE has some personal experience on how to get through messed up things like that PLEASE share! Even if you have no personal experience (cause I hope no one has that…) and just have some suggestions, PLEASE!_

* * *

 **Happy Xmas (War is Over)**

 _A very Merry Christmas_  
 _And a Happy New Year_  
 _Let's hope it's a good one_  
 _Without any fear_

"In therapy you always said you slept with him because he was there. Was that really the reason?" He was waiting for her to look up at him because he had been asking himself that same questions ever since he had walked into their bedroom that night.

"No, it wasn't that I was desperately trying to get laid that I ended up sleeping with your best friend, if that's what your asking."

"Then why?" He didn't sound mad like she had expected.

"Because he wasn't just there that one night. He was always there and made me laugh even when I had just thrown plates and glasses and vases and everything in reach at him when I wanted to throw all that at you. He looked at me like you used to look at me. I kissed him because it felt so good to have someone _care_ again and then I stopped thinking… When I started to think it was already too late and then you walked in and… You know the rest." She had looked up at him and held his gaze. They had never properly talked about this before and even now she was so afraid of his reaction. Not once had she thought that he would just leave, she had thought he'd yell at her, maybe punch Mark and she would have understood all of that but after throwing her clothes and both her and Mark out Derek had left. He had just left and given up without even putting up a fight.

"Why did you stay with him after I left?" She knew the biggest part of him didn't really want an answer but somehow he still had to ask her.

"Because you just left. I thought you'd fight for what we used to have but you just ran. Without a word and I thought that our relationship wasn't worth fighting for in your eyes. That maybe you just didn't love me anymore and that he did. I wanted someone who loved _me_ and not that I was presentable to parents, clients and on Christmas cards." She could see the hurt look on his face and it made her heart break.

"You think I loved you for that?" He whispered and just stared at her. He knew that he had made many mistakes and never talking about the inevitable had been one of his biggest mistakes.

"Not in the beginning, but later on, yes." She answered honestly. Derek had taken her to many events but he had always kept his arm around her for photos but then distanced himself from her and it had hurt her.

"Addison, I've never loved anyone like I love you." And he did love her, as much as he had loved her when they had gotten married, or maybe he loved her even more now.

"Except for Meredith Grey." She said the name almost as if it was an infectious disease. Addison disliked Meredith but she had hated her husband for choosing her. Seattle had been a nightmare and all Addison wanted was to just forget about the years she had spent there, in the foolish belief that their marriage could be saved.

"No, no exception." He watched the confusion on her face and he knew that he was to blame for that. He had given Addison the impression that he didn't love her and that he would gladly choose Meredith over her. "When I came to Seattle and met Meredith she was everything you're not. She admired me and I didn't have to compete with anyone." He had watched Addison look down when he had mentioned Meredith's name and his heart sank. "I just wanted to hurt you, Addison. I wanted to hurt you as badly as you had hurt me."

"Well, challenge completed…" She whispered and turned around so that he wouldn't see her cry.

"I was the biggest idiot. I thought it was Meredith I wanted but it wasn't. It's always been you." He slowly turned her around and tilted her chin up so she was looking into his eyes. "It's always been you." He whispered and wiped her tears away. "I know I don't deserve you and I probably never have but I've never been in love until I met you and I have also never been in love with anyone else. I've made so many mistakes, Addie, I—"

"Well, I still slept with your best friend…" She sighed and tried to walk away again.

"Addison, I swear if you keep walking away I'll have to handcuff you to a chair or something. I know that you've slept with my best friend but can we just agree that we've both done our very best to screw this up?" He could see that she was still hesitating. "I know I kept bringing it up back in Seattle every time we had a fight or anything happened but I just want you. I know we're both far from perfect but I just want you." And then she actually smiled and he felt like a huge weight was lifted off his chest. "So can we just _please_ try to move past this?"

"Yeah. I promise never to sleep with your best friend again." She was attempting to joke.

"You know that's still Mark, don't you?" He raised his eyebrows and chuckled.

"Yeah… Well, I still promise…" She nudged him when he laughed. "Just don't leave again, okay? And I promise that this is the last time I'll say that." Addison hadn't been quite as perfect in Seattle either because whenever they had been fighting, especially in therapy, she had brought up that he always left and just didn't talk to her, ignored her calls and all of that.

"How about we both promise not to screw this up again?" His voice was soft like summer rain and her heart melted at the way he looked at her.

"I promise," she whispered and smiled when he wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her closer.

"Me too." Derek smiled back and leaned in to kiss her softly. She had made his whole world stop and stare and he never wanted to spend just one moment of his life without her in it.

"So we'll get through this?" She whispered against his lips when they had pulled apart, their foreheads still resting against each other.

"We'll get through this." He promised and saw her smile and immediately knew that they would make it. Through anything.

xxx

" _I know that I said that it doesn't have to be something that traditional but this is not exactly a proper Christmas movie, Derek." Addison chuckled when she sat on a blanket in front of the TV in Derek's first apartment. It was a few days before Christmas and this was their very first Christmas they'd be spending together so when she had suggested watching a Christmas movie she had thought they'd watch an actual Christmas movie but instead Derek had chosen something entirely different._

" _Well… Since it's pretty close to Christmas all the real Christmas movies were gone so I was left with The Godfather, Star Wars," he paused to chuckle at the look on her face, "but you always give me this look when I suggest it because you think I'm making fun of you. Which is why we are left with Aristocats." He finished and shrugged. "And I brought Jaws, just in case."_

 _She had to laugh and draped a blanket over the both of them. "So I guess this is 70's movie night?"_

" _Trust me, you'll love it." Derek wrapped his arms around her and started the movie._

xxx

"So I see you were going to continue the grand pre-Christmas tradition even without me?" Derek grinned when he saw that she had the movie Aristocats next to the TV and judging by the dust starting to gather on the case it must have been there for a few weeks now. Ever since there hadn't been any Christmas movies left to rent just before their first Christmas together watching Aristocats and Jaws had been their very own pre-Christmas ritual.

"Yeah but now you're here to watch it with me, so that makes it all just a little better." She gave him a smile and sat down on the sofa after having lit some candles. Spending her favorite time of the year with the one person she had always wanted to spend it with again was more than anything she could have ever hoped for. Whenever she looked at him she was reminded of all the little things she had fallen so hopelessly in love with all those years ago. The way he looked at her, the way his eyes always seemed just a little bluer than normal when he was happy, the way his hair curled uncontrollably when it got wet and most of all the way he never ceased to make her smile.

"Oh, just a little?" He raised his eyebrows at her when he sat down as close to her as possible.

"Maybe more than just a little." Addison whispered and smiled when he wrapped an arm around her to pull her even closer as the movie started. Over the years they had started many Christmas traditions but this was one of her favorites because it was just theirs.

Soon however she found herself on her back with Derek on top of her, her fingers travelling along his back, over his shoulders and his chest while his lips softly nipped at hers. The movie was almost over but neither of them had noticed because Derek's mind was completely consumed with Addison. Whenever he kissed her he felt like time stood still and as soon as his tongue slipped into her mouth she let out one of those breathy moans that always had been his undoing. All she wanted was for him to keep kissing her and to get him even closer, which really wasn't much of a possibility considering that his body was already merely inches from hers. Derek took her hands in his and pinned them above her as his lips made their way along her jaw, down her neck and her pulse point. Even after their years apart he still knew exactly how and where she liked to be touched and once again he was rewarded with a low moan and had to grin against her skin. As soon as he had let go of her hands they moved towards the hemline of his sweater and underneath the fabric, her nails running over his back softly before she slowly began to take his sweater off. Just when she was about to pull it over his head someone rang the doorbell and Derek pulled back just a little to look at her.

"Expecting someone?"

"No, so maybe we could just ignore whoever is out there." She whispered and covered his lips with her own because she knew that he was more than willing to forget about everything around them. But somehow their visitor seemed to be rather persistent and kept ringing the doorbell, making Addison groan after a few minutes. "I hate people." She mumbled, making Derek laugh as he reluctantly moved so she could get the door and hopefully get rid of whoever was out there.

 _And so this is Christmas_  
 _For weak and for strong_  
 _For rich and the poor ones_  
 _The world is so wrong_

* * *

 _Of course things aren't resolved BUT I need your help on that because I really have no idea :D_

 _Reviews and some psychological help would be greatly appreciated! ;)_


	11. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

**Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

 _LoveLastsForever: It really isn't much of a surprise :D But the last title was a little misleading because_ _they're not all great just yet, it'll take a little but they will get there!_

 _Lu78: I'm really glad :)_

 _Luvaddek: But true love conquers all, right? At least I hope so, but some more talking is needed… Maybe I should become a marriage counselor..._

 _NetflixPerson01: I was gonna have it be Meredith but I realized Christmas is one week away and I wanted to have it wrapped up by then._

 _Addison-fan: OMG I hate this messed up marriage, not even kidding! Ultimate reason to never ever get married… BUT they will talk and are starting to soon but idk what to write to have them resolve it..._

 _Alright, I'm really only updating because it's Christmas next week and I really want a special Christmas chapter that could end this story. Sound good?_

* * *

 **Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer**

 _Grandma got run over by a reindeer_  
 _Walking home from our house Christmas eve_  
 _You can say there's no such thing as Santa_  
 _But as for me and grandpa we believe_

" _You have absolutely no reason to be nervous, Addie, I promise they will love you." Derek reassured his girlfriend once again before he walked towards the door to let in his sisters who were just a little to excited to meet his new girlfriend. He knew that they weren't exactly the easiest people to get along with, especially when it came to his girlfriends, this also had earned them the nickname 'the hyenas'…_

" _Hi! You must be Addison, our little brother has told us so much about you!" Having completely ignored her brother a tall blonde made her way towards Addison, her sister following her. "I'm Kathleen." She extended her hand and Addison shook it with a very nervous smile on her face._

" _I'm Nancy, and just so you know, he never voluntarily had us meet a girlfriend of his before." The brunette, who looked much more like Derek, also quickly shook her hand._

" _Never stopped you though…" Derek mumbled._

" _And you're also the first our parents are going to meet." Kathleen grinned and then noticed the panic on the redhead's face. "Don't worry, he's been talking about you for ages, we really are here to see if you really exist or if he made you up so we would all just finally leave him alone."_

" _Which they would never do. Addie, I'm sorry about my sisters who never stop talking and -" He gave them a look because they hadn't even given her the chance to say anything and had interrupted him once again._

" _I love your shoes." Addison had to laugh when Kathleen just cut her brother off._

" _Thank you, they were on sale."_

" _Derek, we love her!" Nancy told her brother quickly before her and her sister ushered Addison towards the living room, already wrapped up in some conversations about shoes, or sales, or anything Derek really wasn't too interested in._

" _Oh dear god…" He whispered more to himself than to anyone else, he had wanted them to get along but maybe this was a little over the top._

xxx

"How is my favorite former sister in law!" Kathleen hugged Addison tightly and walked through the door.

"I'm your only former sister in law…" Addison chuckled when she saw the knowing look on Kathleen's face when she noticed Derek sitting on the sofa. Ever since Addison had met Derek's sisters they had gotten along and had all become friends even though she had always been a little closer to Kathleen and Nancy and even though she was their former sister in law their relationship had never changed.

"So, little brother, what have you been up to?" She smiled sweetly and raised her eyebrows as she slowly took off her gloves. Just as Derek was about to say something she raised a hand to stop him. "Never mind, it's not like I really want to know. Walking in on _that_ once was more than enough." She gave him a rather disgusted look. "Anyway, I just wanted to bring you this." She handed Addison a bottle of eggnog. "For looking after Barney. And I also did want to see my favorite brother!"

"I am your only brother…"

"And yet you haven't come to visit me once. Even though I'm really glad you two haven't killed each other yet but, just to let you know, we have a poll going on who is going to kill whom and so far most bets are on Addie murdering you. Not that we could blame you, to be honest."

Addison laughed but quickly stopped when she saw that Derek wasn't exactly amused. "How was Maui?"

"Oh, don't ask her questions, now she'll never leave." He groaned and let his body fall back on the sofa as the two women walked into the kitchen.

"Maui was amazing but, more importantly, how are things going?" Kathleen raised her eyebrows once they were both in the kitchen. She had been relieved when her brother had finally called to tell her he was coming to New York and he hadn't needed to tell her why he was coming, especially not before Christmas. It seemed like he finally had come to his senses but a part of her was still afraid he'd end up changing his mind again.

"It's been great… I really don't know how else to describe it, it's just like it used to be when we first met and started dating."

"Don't tell me this is just about sex."

"Uhm, _private_ , but we haven't. We have been out a few times and talked a lot and it's been wonderful." Addison couldn't wipe the smile off her face, much like when her and Derek had first gotten together.

"Just making sure… You look really happy. Happier than you have in years." Kathleen had to smile. Finally it looked like everything was starting to go back to the way it should be.

"I am much happier than I have been in years."

"Do you mind if I talk to the idiot?"

"Nope, knock yourself out." Addison chuckled and sat down on the kitchen counter to give Kathleen and Derek some privacy.

xxx

" _Derek Christopher Shepherd, I swear to god that I'll kill you one of these days!" Kathleen was livid, which was probably why she had stormed past numerous doctors and nurses and was now yelling at her brother in his office._

" _Kathleen I'm—" He started without even looking up from his computer._

" _Working, I know." She just snorted. "Do you even realize that today is December 25_ _th_ _and you were supposed to spend Christmas with your family?"_

" _You know what?" Now he looked up at her. "I have work to do, I can't always be there whenever you all please."_

" _Oh, when we please?! Derek, you're never there! And thanks to you not only is mom crying because her poor son has to work just so much but your wife is also only leaving her room whenever the kids beg her to. This is the third Christmas in a row!"_

" _I'm busy now. Addie understands that I have work to do, and so should you."_

" _She understands, huh? Then I'm guessing it's normal that she keeps crying but you already know that because Mark probably has told you so you just don't care."_

" _Would you keep your voice down? My marriage is fine, now would you mind and let me finish this so I can get to my surgery in time?"_

 _Kathleen just stood there and stared at her brother for a moment. "What happened to you? Remember a few years ago when you couldn't wait to take as much time off work around Christmas as possible?"_

" _Yes, Kathleen, things can change." His voice was cool and distant and made her wonder if this was what he was like at home as well.  
"You know, one of these days none of us will be around when you might need us anymore, Derek." And with this she just left his office. But he didn't know what she was even talking about because Addie was always there._

xxx

"Please tell me that this isn't just your way of getting through the holidays without having to feel alone."

"You know that you asked me the same thing when I called you to tell you that I was coming here, right?" He saw his sister roll her eyes and decided to continue. "And, as I've told you before, this isn't about the holidays, I've been so miserable and I feel even worse when I think back of all the pain I've caused her and I really want to make that all up to her somehow. When I came here I didn't even expect her to open the door and it was selfish of me to even bother her but Kate, I just missed her. I don't even know how I could have forgotten how much I love her." He sighed.

"I don't think you forgot, you just took it all for granted. Just don't do that again because I'm not sure she'll be able to take that again." And she was serious, when Derek had become distant they had all thought that Addison couldn't possibly get any sadder but then he had left and Kathleen and Nancy had kept coming over just to check on her so that she would eat, not take too many sleeping pills and go to work. "Because you have no idea how bad it was. Even when you were still around you had no idea."

"I know." Derek sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. He knew how much he had hurt her but he hadn't been around to see the effects of it all for the most time.

"You guys want some eggnog?" Addison asked from the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe.

"No, I was just leaving." Kathleen hugged Addison and walked towards the door. "And don't be too busy to call the next couple of days!" She grinned.

"I won't, I promise."

"Hey, Kate, thank you." Derek gave his sister a smile. "And I promise." Kathleen just nodded, a smile still on her face as she walked out of the door again.

"Promise what?" Addison asked and sat down next to Derek, who immediately pulled her closer to him.

"Oh, just not to get you all liquored up because we all know how that ends." He chuckled when she nudged him but he knew that she was smiling as well because there really was no denying that alcohol didn't become her too well.

xxx

 _Addison looked out into the endless ocean and then at the rings in the palm of her hand again. He had made his choice once and for all and there was no more denying it. She knew that he had probably made up his mind a long time ago, probably even before she had ever slept with his best friend, but that had most likely pushed him over the fence, if he had really been on it. Addison felt so completely foolish for coming to Seattle and for believing that he really did think their marriage was worth fighting for because if anything had become clear to her in the last year it was that her and Derek Shepherd no longer had any future with each other. Her heart broke just a little more, if that was still possible, at the thought of a future without him because even after all these years and all those missed dinners, anniversaries or birthdays back in New York not once had she imagined a future without him in her life._

 _She cast one more glance at the rings she had loved so much, but not for the rings but for what they stood for and for who had given them to her all those years ago, before throwing them into the water. For a moment she closed her eyes and held onto the railing just a little tighter because the feeling of just jumping in after the rings overwhelmed her and she had to convince herself that he just wasn't worth it. She should have known. She should have known when he walked in on Mark and her and he just left. She should have known when he had punched Mark for speaking to Meredith but not for sleeping with his wife. She should have known when he had never made an effort to save their marriage and had kept chasing his little intern. She should have known but she had kept convincing herself that he was trying. Tears were running down her cheeks but she didn't even notice them anymore, she didn't notice anything anymore because she felt like she was suffocating, like she had just lost everything that had ever mattered to her. But she had lost him a long time ago._

xxx

When Derek entered the brownstone that night he knew that something was off the minute he walked through the door. He couldn't quite explain it but something just didn't feel right, he knew he had had a similar feeling once before but quickly tried to push that memory as far back as he possibly could and went to look for Addison. As soon as he saw her he knew that he hadn't just imagined that something wasn't okay. There she sat, not looking up when she noticed that he had come in, obviously too lost in her own thoughts. As Derek walked closer he saw the photo album and the glass of wine in front of her, without even having to think about it he immediately knew which photos she was looking at. In the earlier years of their marriage she had always been incredibly happy when she was looking at the photos from their wedding but over the years he had become absent and she had grown increasingly sad.

Derek watched her lightly run her fingertips over the glossy images of their happiest moments and it broke his heart that it was his fault those photos no longer made her happy.

"Addie, are you alright?" He asked softly and after a few moments she looked up at him, her expression so completely foreign that he couldn't read her.

"Why did you choose her?" She whispered and sounded so completely heartbroken that all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and make it all go away. But he knew it didn't work like that. When he didn't answer her and just stood there, almost baffled that she had asked him that she decided to clarify what she meant. "Back in Seattle, you chose her and not me."

 _Singin' grandpa  
_ _Grandma got run over by a reindeer  
_ _Walking home from our house Christmas eve  
_ _You can say there's no such thing as Santa  
_ _But as for me and grandpa we believe_

 _Merry Christmas_

* * *

 _Okay, cliffhanger but it really was the inevitable question!_

 _Thoughts? How about two more chapters and then ending the ff or do you want one that'll last until there will finally be snow where I live?_


	12. Winter Wonderland

**Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

 _Addison-fan: I'm so glad I stopped watching GA and PP and some point because ugh! Honestly, fine, people cheat but there was actually chemistry between them and ugh working through this cheating thing is pretty crappy, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be!_

 _LoveLastsForever: :D Oh the rain thing! Somehow Seattle still seems (4 s in a row!) to be one of the most desirable cities out there! Insanity!_

 _Lena-Prince08: I think I'll have to write till it snows at your place cause it's already March! I so suck at updating!_

 _Luvaddek: My stories really aren't happy anymore, I've noticed… BUT this one is about to get a little happier :D I feel so bad for her, honestly. Imagine your husband is an absent ass and then you finally act out (okaaay, a little badly) and then he leaves you. Graaaand and you're the adulterous bitch. I really do feel for her..._

 _Adgirl1990: Took a little while, but here is the new update :)_

 _Em: Wow, we did get snow so maybe I should stop writing? Eek, I so totally hate Meredith! Ugh! Okay, hope your work day is better tomorrow ;)_

 _myqueenofall: I hope you had a lovely Christmas and here is the very belated chapter..._

 _bennyexpi09: Update! Finally :D Sorry it took forever!_

 _Okay, I get that this took me FOREVER but I really don't have an excuse other than having a bit of a personal life, I'm sorry! I hope you all had a great Christmas :)_

* * *

 **Winter Wonderland**

"Addie," he started, trying to choose his words as carefully as possible, "it's not that simple—"

"But it is. I know I've been an, how did you put it," she had to think for a moment, "adulterous bitch, but I came to that godforsaken place to make this work again. I gave up my practice, I left all my friends and," her voice was barely above a whisper, her expression still blank but teary, "you chose her."

"It was a mistake."

"No, it was a choice." Her voice was calm, which was probably what scared Derek the most at the moment. "Sleeping with Mark, that was a mistake, staying with him after you had left was the _choice_ because I didn't want to be alone, I couldn't be alone. But guess what, I've felt just as lonely and empty. And, back in Seattle, you chose her over me. I can't blame you, I mean we've both just screwed this marriage up so badly but what changed now?" Sad eyes were looking up at him and he felt horrible for putting her through all of this. When they had met she had been confident and her eyes had always reflected that same confidence. But over the years her expression had changed. Her eyes no longer lit up whenever he came into a room; her laugh rarely reached her eyes so he should have known it wasn't genuine. Derek knew that he should have seen the subtle changes as well as the not so subtle ones and all he wanted was to make it all up to her.

"Addie, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had realized how much you were suffering when we were still here before you and Mark ever…" He really just didn't want to say it. "Because after that all I could see was that you had hurt me. That's why I went to Seattle, that's why, when you came, I wanted nothing more than to just hurt you as much as you had hurt me. I wanted to just be in love with someone else. All this time I never thought I'd really lose you but when I had I realized that whatever I felt for Meredith wasn't what I feel for you."

"Maybe that's a good thing, Derek." With that she got up, taking her wine with her.

"Don't walk away now." Derek was pleading and he didn't just mean from this conversation because he knew if he let her go now that would be it. To his surprise she actually turned around to hear what he had to say. "It's always been you, Addie, and it always will be. You're the one and I will never ever let you doubt that again."

"I've heard that vow before." She whispered and stared at the floor.

"I know. And I'm so sorry I neglected you bec—"

"Neglected? That's what you think? You were never there, never wanted to talk about anything and then you just ran that night you walked in on Mark and me. Fine, I get that you were angry and hurt but you _left_. Then in Seattle when he only looked at Meredith you hit him. I should have known. And I should have known better than to get attached again." She shook her head and tried to blink the tears away.

"Meredith and I didn't just break up because it didn't work out but because I realized that she wasn't the one I was in love with. When I was with you I knew you were the one, Addie. Despite everything we have been through, despite everything I've put you through I hope that you still feel the same way about me."

Derek searched her eyes for what felt like eternity and she didn't move a single muscle, just stared back at him before a slight smile spread across her lips and tears welled up in her eyes again. "How about we try not to screw this up again?" She asked softly and took a small step towards him.

"Thank god." He whispered more to himself than to her because he was more than just thankful that she hadn't shaken her head and told him to get out.

"You might wanna get a female best friend this time around though." She joked and he nudged her softly and gave her a look.

"Never going to let you out of my sight again." Derek pulled her a little closer so he could finally kiss her.

xxx

 _Just a few weeks before Christmas Addison was walking through Central Park, smiling sadly when she noted that everyone around her seemed to be in love. Glistening snow was covering the ground and she couldn't help but feel her heart ache when she thought of how happy this had always made her when she was still with Derek. He'd wrap his arm around her as they walked through the snowy streets and they'd talk about everything and anything. With Derek she loved snow even more, even if he kept joking that he doubted it was even possible, but it was. In their first years together he would gladly take her for a walk in the snow, even if he had been working for what felt like eternity. He would mock her for her excitement but she knew that he loved this season just as much as she did. Addison sighed at the thought of Derek. A part of her was wondering if he ever thought of her just like she thought of him so often. But she quickly shook her head. He wasn't thinking about her. But if there really was someone like Santa out there she knew that her only wish would be to have everything back to how it used to be._

xxx

Little had she known that Santa seemed to think that he owed her something for being good that year and probably for her contagious Christmas excitement over the last few decades. Because now she was, once again, walking through Central Park with him by her side. They had talked throughout the entire previous night and she finally felt like she could breathe again. Everything she had wished for over the last years seemed to have come true. They had talked about everything that had happened in Seattle, how they had both messed their marriage up and how much they still cared for each other.

Addison turned her head slightly and glanced at him, a smile spreading across her features when she saw that he was looking at her.

"Can you believe it'll be Christmas in only a few days?" Derek whispered after kissing her cheek.

"This is already better than the last few Christmases."

He stopped and just raised his eyebrows at her. "Did Addison Montgomery just admit to anything surpassing Christmas?" He feigned shock, causing her to roll her eyes at him.

"Nope, I meant that," she stopped for a moment, "now, this is going to sound silly, so you don't get to make fun of me." When she saw him nod she decided to continue, "all I've wanted the last few years was to spend it with you. Because all I want for Christmas is you."

Derek smiled at her and pulled her closer, his arms wrapping around her. "I just want you for my own, more than you could ever—" and then she smacked his arm. "So, you didn't even wish for snow?"

"Derek, I swear you know that song too well for your own good!" She had to laugh. "But yes, I want you here tonight," with this she leaned in to kiss him softly, "holding me so tight…"

"Just tonight? Because I was planning on sticking around for the next fifty Christmases with you." He whispered and kissed her again, feeling her smile against his lips. Her arms slowly wrapped around his neck, her fingers running through his deep brown curls as she sighed contently. He was everything she had missed for so long and now it seemed as if it all was falling back into place.

* * *

 _So they kinda talked and the chapter was kinda short but I hope some of you are still reading and are willing to get back into the Christmas spirit, even if it's just for reading this chapter ;)_

 _Reviews are love! Need ideas, badly._


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